I woke up this morning and you weren't here. Not that it is anything new as of late, but still seems to catch me off guard every morning. Like some how every night when I go to bed Ill want to believe that you arrived in California, tip toed in to me room and climbed under the blankets to be with me. Then every morning I wake up searching for you in my sheets before eventually giving up. I was thinking about what it means to me to wake up next to you, and the importance it has for me. You see, I can remember lots of times when as I was going to sleep, we would be in some sort of argument, or have different point of views. We always promised that we would never go to bed anger, and I really like that rule.
But thinking back, it was never mornings that we had heated discussions, never when we meet up for coffee, never when I saw fist saw you in class, still never when I we met up for drinks. It was always when you offered to drop me off at home, always when I walked you to your house, always when we I drove you to an airport, and even when I said good night. It seemed that the times when I knew that dreaded goodbye was coming, so would the conflict come about.
I am not saying conflict is bad, I feel we have both benefited from it. I know even now looking back at those nights when tempers flared, frustrated sighs came out; and endless tossing and turning ate away the night. Even looking back now, I can't help but smile and how frustrated we got and how silly it was. And of course, I smile that we both had enough feelings to care so strongly.
As I said, it isn't that I see it as a bad thing to discuss and argue, but I see now there was a pattern. It was always when goodbyes were concerned that I felt the most emotional and demanded more attention. Always on goodbyes that I wanted to win arguments, wanted to express myself, but couldn't to the point of frustration. It would seem, that even at night, when the goodbyes only lasted till morning, I still was unable to say it.
Looking back, why wouldn't you smile? To know that you care enough about someone so much that you can't bare to leave their side, even for sleep. I can't help but look back and be happy. True it has been hard, and will remain so for sometime, but how can someone be sad that they have found a person they would give up sleep to spend more time with? I love you sweetheart, and although our sleepless nights have seen many causes, I am happy they have all been sleepless.
