back in my old bed

 I am back home trying to relax and laying on my old bed in the back room. It is silly to me when I think back two years to all the nights I stayed up and waited to talk to you. Then when you were here I would look back and think about how happy I was that you were finally here. Now, once again I am sad when I think back to how you had been here one time and now are gone. I am excited for the day when I am not longer so far away from you.

I am sure you have some of your own sorting out to do. The last time I talked to you you seemed a bit lost and frustrated. I hope you are working hard and still remembering how much I care about you. When I think about the time you got to lay in this bed with me, it is a really fond memory. Few people will ever get to see this area up here and how much it means to me. That summer I spent with you, working and enjoying life, are some of my fondest memories.

Anyways, I guess it is late and I should get to bed. I miss you and think about you very often. All my love.  

Advice

 I have never been one to take a whole lot of advice from my family. I mean I take council, listen to what people say. Rarely do I simply take family's advice as gospel and run with it. However it becomes clear to me that certain advice from certain members has always been taken more than others. What I mean by this is that my dad is a sales person. From this I take his advice when I need advice in sales, business, and things like this. Chris is my compassion, advising me on the ethical, heartfelt, and otherwise motivational topics. My Grandpa is the same as business, having him spend his life in middle management has provided a wealth of resources to help my life. Finally, my grandma has always been my romantic advisor. She wants to be my spiritual advisor, however after 60 years of happy marriage I see that she has more to offer as a romantic.

When I last said good bye to her it was nice good bye. She knows I am busy, she knows I am worried about missing Rose and that there is a hard year ahead of us. I looked for a bit of guidance from her as I said good bye about how to manage both Rose and the business. I have always been worried that the two clashed in time while I knew that they didn't compare in priority. My grandma, being a conservative lady turned to me and told me that Rose is a strong woman. She may not always act it but she could see a strength and resolution underneath that I had been well acquainted with rare, privileged moments. It is true that Rose contains unimaginable strength and resolution so I listened more. My grandma went on to say, it is a year, it feels so long now but that is because it is on your mind all the time.

I have faith in Rose, she continued and I have faith in your relationship with her. If it is meant to be, it will be. If Rose is the one she will come back in the year with no problem. Although, I am not sure the advice in this case, does that mean I shouldn't worry? If I forget about Rose will she come back to me regardless? Is it already set in stone or do I still have to work for it?

I am not sure what she means by it really. I think her and my grandfather had spent time apart and maybe they were able to get through it just find. I am sure there is truth to what she says. But how conservative can I be in my assumption that everything will move along slowly? And is that fair to assume that Rose can just always come running to American when her boy friend calls? What about her life? Does that always take a second stage to my own? Some of my happiest moments of her time here was in the time she was able to become a part of my family. When we got to wake up and cook for my family together. These moments are what I cherish most and why doesn't Rose get to experience these things with her own family? What kind of partner can I be when I take but do not give these moments? 

It is because of these issues, that I find that the relationship deserves more of a time commitment than I am giving it. I can not state that Rose is important to me without making a effort to be a part of her life. Every time I try, it is difficult, it is challenging, and it is rewarding. Because of all these reasons, I have decided that is time for me to go home and spend time with the one person that always believes in me. Who takes care of me, nurtures me, and builds me back up. I have decided to come home for my favorite holiday, easter, because I know it means a lot to Rose's family too.

I will be there in just a few short weeks, not because I am scared that I will loose you (my grandma said I wouldn't) but because you make the effort for me, you visit my family and you become a part of my life. I hope you will let me do the same. I love you so much Rose, I am coming home. I will be there the 18^th. Tickets have been bought, there is no backing out now. You are stuck with me.

I can't wait to see you. I love you soo much. You're my guiding star.   

loosing track of time

 I do wish I had more time to make this post more elegant, more poetic or contain better flow. But sadly this week has left me drained emotionally, physically, and well any other way I can be. I have been trying to sort out the property. It is hard to have your family tearing itself a part from the inside out. It is more difficult watching your other family members go through it. Chris isn't handling it too well and goes through fits of stress and frustration. I worry about him which is just more stress on my plate.

Then there is the business. There is the fact that I am not meeting deadlines. I feel like a window is constantly closing slowly and no matter how fast I run I won't catch it. Perhaps this is how all adults feel when there are bills in their lives. I really hope this is the rare time in my life when I feel this way. I couldn't not imagine having a family and going through this. Beyond a doubt the scariest thing for a person to face when they have someone relying on them. I try so hard to manage the stress on this but I can feel it creeping in to my every day life. It is a rough feeling.

Finally the third notion of stress is Rose being so far away while still remaining so close to my heart. I guess the stress mostly comes from the thought of loosing her. She means so much to me and it makes it all so difficult to sort out. If there is a threat I might loose her I just want to fight against that but at the same time I feel rather useless when I have so many other things pulling at me at the same time. It is to the point where I stress about thinking about loosing Rose to the point that I don't want to give it more power than I do and which makes me stress about not stressing about Rose... it is a vicious cycle.

But I was thinking today about what Rose said about us being the two of the same body. I am not a superstitious man, and I don't really believe in a lot of those deep connection kind of things. However, I do understand this notion of a very deep connection that I feel with Rose. There have been days that I feel like I am sad for no reason. That I am confused and stressed without knowing why. After talking to Rose she will tell me that she is feeling the same way. I wonder if there isn't some of connection there, perhaps it was always there when we were little. Perhaps those days when I felt unusually happy for no reasons were related to her in her own life.

But I can say that I focus on Rose a lot. Every day whether I talk to her or not I constantly think about her. You see, she has become sort of my mascot. I think about my life with her, I think about our future and if give me strength to get through these trialled times. I found it really hard when she left and I was still here working. However, I felt that she was still with me because I can look ahead at the goal that we have set together to make through this time. Our plans with living in a yurt, having ducks and chickens, even just going to go on dates once we are together again. All of these things are so powerful, so strong that they can carry someone through a day of shoveling dirt and stress.

Who is to say that a connection is not formed there when two people strive so hard for the same goal. When two people look so hard to their future that they don't influence the world around them. Obviously we are able to conquer space by always keeping each other in our hearts so that we always feel close. What is to say we are not able to conquer time as well through always keeping our future so close to our hearts. In this way I do believe I have a connection with Rose. That I can begin to feel for her, and tell when she is stressed, scared and confused. Maybe it is odd but I do suppose I can actually feel those things too.

It then makes sense to me why these problems of stress seem to add up so quickly. When I get so worried about loosing Rose, I don't want to think about her. When I think of her my mind goes to possibly loosing her. Instead, I want to focus on other things to keep my mind busy like the business or the property. And just like that my happy thoughts disappear and I come tumbling down.

But the reason I fall so far down is a testimony to the love and admiration that I have for rose. Few people in my life have lifted me up so high and carried me so far. It is so rare to find someone that you work so well together. She balances me in so many ways. The way I look forward to the future is the only way I get through this time of struggle and difficulties. I pray everyday for that day to come when she finally steps off that plane and I get to hold her in my arms again. This look to the future is so strongly created in my mind that it acts as a memory. Perhaps she already has stepped off that plane, perhaps we lived ever after together already. It seems like when you look so hard to the future and it becomes a memory that time fade from a relationship and that is what creates that feeling of being connected. In a way, we have lived out our lives already together because we look so strongly ahead that we will create it every moment even from halfway around the world.  

sleepy thoughts before bed

This will just have to be a quick post.  I am really tired and running on about 5 hours of sleep a night the last few nights.  I wanted write a few things here though.   First of all what a rough day it was.  I am not sure why.  I am really stressed. This whole business things is driving me up the wall.  So much responsibility and at the moment I just don't really see how it is all supposed to work itself out.  I was rather upset with it today.  Strangely when I got home I was in an awful mood.  Really mad and wanting to just break something.  Then I had a sit down and talked to Rose.  I actually got a little emotional.  I am not really sure where all this was coming from.  In my young adult years, I never cried or showed emotion.  I kinda thought of myself as a brick wall when it came to letting people in.  I am not sure if there is any relation to being with Rose.  However, I feel like that has broken down slightly.
     anyways, having talked to Rose, I then talked to my dad.  I thought I was just going to talk about the business.  but the more I talked to him the more my voice sounded strange.  Like that feeling when you are trying to say something by your throat is trying to communicate something else. It is rather strange.  But my dad was not fooled and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the business and that was fine.  And then he asked me how I felt about Rose's birthday this weekend.  For some reason I couldn't hold it any longer.  I just started... well leaking.
      I don't like crying.. Men aren't supposed to do it.  But more than that, there really just isn't a manly way to do it.  However, the moment of being a sissy did reveal something to me.  I wasn't, perhaps, as upset about the business as I was about the fact that I was missing the love of my life turn in to a woman.   I want so much to be there and support her.  To hold her, comfort her and encourage her.   It is really weird for me to feel this way about someone, since I haven't ever really cared that much about much anything.  Yet here I was.
      The thing that gets to me the most is when I stop to think about it.  I think how she is growing up and I want to be there for her in all the ways I said before.  But, that is happening every day.  Every day she is becoming a woman, and ever day I want to be there to support here and encourage her.  However, on special days like this you realize what you are missing out on.  and I just start to wonder what the hell I am doing half way around the world from some one as amazing as her.  It seems silly to me because when I put the two together..... make money or grow up with Rose.   There isn't even a shadow of a competition.  So then why I am I here? and she there? I think that is the question that has been stressing me out all weak.  Because deep down I know.... there isn't a good enough answer to keep me here.

Two years well spent

 It is late and time for my bed, but I just wanted to put a quick note up here. You see, it is a very special day today. One that I shouldn't forget to make a note. You see, I was listening to someone talk to day about how the best thing you can do in life is sit down and write out a “gratitude list”. I know it sounds dumb, but hear them out. You write a list of all the things that you are thankful for. Anyways, what I mean to say is, if I was to write out such a list I would put today high up on this list. Two years ago today someone came in to my life that has and will continue to be a huge influence on my life. Her name is Rose and although I had met her a week before this day, and I wouldn't start dating for another few month in December, today marked the first time that I would have a full afternoon with her.

We left class and I saw her go out the door. I had hoped the last week to have had the chance to talk to her since our first day of class when we shared a Spanish book, but there was no opportunities. She always came in late and sat away from me.

So when I saw her walking the same direction I quickly tried my best at starting a conversation. I can't remember what we talked about... traveling, Spanish, really typical stuff I think. Then she said she was going down town and I asked if I could come. She made me feel kind a silly all the time and I could really explain it, but I was really really attracted to her in a way that was very surprising.

We went in search of a piano book. It was going to be her birthday soon. And she was looking for a piano book for herself or her brother. I can't remember. So we went to boarders and as we walked around I tried to continue to make some sort of conversation so that it wasn't apparent I was just hanging around to be next to her. I can't imagine what she would have thought. A boy saying “you are looking at at piano books? Can I come, I love doing that!” she saying “ oh do you play a musical instrument?” and then me replying “no”.

Haha, perhaps she wondered why I was there, but it didn't show and then I worked up the courage to ask her for a drink. I felt a bit more relaxed with a drink, but remember not really feeling altogether well. We sat and talked about a lot of things. She would ask me very personal questions that would catch me off guard like “what does your mom do”. Eventually we sat doodling sheep and roses for a long while before we eventually jumped on buses before going home.

It was funny, those buses. That we should be headed the same way and we didn't walk home together yet. Eventually I stopped taking those buses home altogether. And instead would try to time me going home at the same time as you so I could walk with Rose. I remember I would walk you to your bus stop, and then you would walk me to mine. Finally I would walk you back to yours. Simply cuz we didn't want to go. Those were some good memories. I am very happy I met Rose that day, it started something more wonderful than I could have imagined. I am very happy to be apart of this team. I love you Rose so much!!! Even that day I couldn't have denied that I felt so connected to you. I am so happy to be with you.   

Investments and dealers

 I was reading a book recently about how money has no inherent value in itself. It is all just what we believe it is is worth. The book goes on to say that no one really should be working to collect money because there isn't really a point to having a lot of money around. It is simply a tool in order to get what you want. I have been thinking about money a lot lately. Mostly because trying to manage money is difficult. It seems like it always take the path of least resistance and that is never to my pocket.

The other interesting thing the book was saying was that you really shouldn't ever be working for money, you should be working for the knowledge of managing money. I think this whole thought process is kinda interesting. The way money is seen by different people is fascinating, some people hate it, some people love it, some people never want to talk about it. But it does affect everyones lives.

I also remember some poster I read when I was little that had a small mouse holding an ear of corn and the caption read, the best things in life really are free. I don't think it was meant to be factual, just simply.... meant to create a sense of hope.

People will work their whole life, then investing in making other people rich. Then retire poor. That is what happened to my grandparents. They worked their whole life for GM. My grandpa believed in the American dream. That you can work and be taken care of, But Social Security is bankrupt, and people don't have any options. I think about how much my dad has helped me with the business. But that wasn't an investment in the business as much as an investment in me learning business. I may come out of this with nothing... or debt.. but already, I have learned more in this last 6 months than I have learned in all four years of university. The Money I would potentially lose looks pretty small compared to the 100000 dollars I spent on university. The education will serve me better as well.

So to me it seems silly to have paid for university and not the business. But the other interesting thing is that the best investment I ever made wasn't anything to do with money. That was when I picked the life on wanting to be with Rose. That has been more rewarding, challenging, and exciting than anything I could do with money. However, I feel that no matter how much money I could have thrown at Rose, it still wouldn't have made her love me any faster. Least I hope not.

So maybe the best things in life are free. Maybe money isn't meant to be worried about because people go through rich parts and poor parts of their life. As they say, money comes and goes but you can never get rid of your friends. So I guess in that respect it would be best to learn how to acquire money as a skill. That way when you inevitably run in to tight spots you maintain a way to get out of them. Logically then, I should be learning how to make money from no money, and I am in the perfect situation for that :-).

I do miss the support from Rose that I typically got. She always supported me and told me that I can do it. I need that.... and miss it. There is no point in me earning any money if I can't have the free things that I want, and Rose is exactly what I want.  

Spiritual window shoppers

After writing the last post I had a dream. In that dream I was a little kid reading a book and I found a poem I read when I was a little kid. This poem had a huge effect on me and I used to read it a lot. I always really felt like I could connect with it. It went as follows:

•  These spiritual window-shoppers,
  who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
  They handle a hundred items and put them down,
  shadows with no capital.
  
  
   What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
  But these walk into a shop,
  and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment,
  in that shop.
  
  
   Where did you go? "Nowhere."
  What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."
  
  
   Even if you don't know what you want,
  buy something, to be part of the exchanging flow.
  
  
   Start a huge, foolish project,
  like Noah.
  
  
   It makes absolutely no difference
  what people think of you.

It was written buy Rumi who was around, I believe the 13^th century. Either way I think it relates to what I was trying to say a lot. When we simply walk around, we never take chances to become invested in something that could be a disappointment. Well Rose, you are my huge foolish project. :-) and I hope we have a great deal of huge foolish projects that we take on together like starting a business, going to England, traveling to India, riding elephants, and any other foolish thing we can think of. I know some things will end in tears and disappointment. But I am glad we have each other to cry on and to say “but what if we do this instead....” at the end of it all. We can go be fools together and buy the whole shop.