this business of love

All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time. Julie Andrews 

I was driving in my car the other day, as I seem to do a lot anymore, and the thought occurred to me that starting a business is a lot like starting a relationship. At first, it is exciting. You are nervous, you are hopeful, you think of all the most wonderful things that could come out of it. And you flirt with so many ideas for your business, where it could go, and what if could become. The business does play coy a lot of the time, but you figure she'll warm up soon enough. You spend a good time thinking about the business, even when you are trying to focus on other things, you spend lots of money on the business, you always want the best for her.

There is a good solid couple months of this where there is no commitment, no real seriousness, just happy playful ideas of what the future could hold and how wonderful it is to work together. But after a couple months you begin to think, which is always a dangerous idea, but nevertheless you sit down and realize you are putting a lot of time, money and resources into this business. You want to know where this is going, you want to know if some other man is going to steal her away, or if you are going to just loose interest in a few months and feel it was a waste of time. To top that off you realize that other responsibilities are falling to the side as you remain hopeful that your business will come around and start working with you towards the future. At this point, you realize you don't even know if you two have a future.

The fears start to add up, why am I spending so much time on this relationship? Would this business do the same for me? Is she just interested in me for my money,? Or does she see a future with us both in it? Am I putting my life on hold simply to make a business happy that will fold up and toss me out at any second? This is the point in my relationship with the business that I am at right now.

You see the business and I, we haven't really talked about our long term goals too much. Where will we see each other in 5 or 10 years. I think about it a lot you see, but sadly, she is much more a live in the now kinda girl. She lives month to month, never caring or knowing if she will have enough money to make it through the year. Maybe she thinks that if she ever gets too far in debt a knight in shinning armor will come rescue her.

I would like to believe that we have a great big future together full of possibility and promise. Working together on whatever we want, to do what ever we want. But I am not sure she sees it that way. Like I said, so focused on the now makes it hard to see the far off accomplishments we could manage if we only worked together. She scares me sometimes, always telling me that it may not work. That I am not putting enough time or money in. My business, she doesn't understand that it is so hard to commit more time and more money when everything is up in the air. She says things that scare me and it is so hard to tell if she just going to give up at any second.

But I remain hopeful with her. She has been my main focus for so long that I do find a comfort of looking back on our past. Those early days when so much seemed possible. Like we were going to rule the world next week. We felt like anything was possible. I thought of cute names to call her and drew her pictures of how I thought she looked like. But that time wasn't wasted on silly games and fun with out new found relationship, it was also filled will so much planing, so much dreaming about how someday we will work together to make things. We will make an impact on the world. Together we were strong, unstoppable.

But now I see that maybe it was just talk, because as time has gone by, my business, she grows restless. Perhaps I don't have what she needs, perhaps someone else with more time or patience would be better. She sees that I am lost and inexperienced as her in this business world. That if I don't know what I am doing, how can she? Perhaps she would be better of with one that was able to plan better, to communicate clearer, budget smarter.

But then I realize that time in the beginning that was the honey moon phase when I dreamed of such a bright future with my business wasn't a long lost time in our relationship, it was a sneak peak of what we could be like. A small glimpse into what we were capable of when we worked together. What beautiful games we thought up, such clever systems, and how we were steadfast in the idea that together we could do anything. We thought up such beautiful goals, and now it was simply time to work. To work towards those beautiful things we saw. So that some day, they will be our reality.

I am not sure if this business is the right one for me. But I guess at the end of the day, the most important quality to have as a business owner is that goal that you are working towards. That you know, you and your business are going to make it so long as you work hard at it every day. There are no short cuts, and if you disregard or take your business for granted you will no doubt fail to make it work. But for those that work at it, I am told it is well worth it.

Ode to conflict

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

-William James quotes

“The fibers of all things have their tension and are strained like the strings of an instrument.”

- Henry David Thoreau

It is almost embarrassing that I was caught today reading an article labeled, “top 8 things that ruin a relationship”. I suppose boys aren't supposed to read such sill things. Normally, I don't, nor do I really care, but as I sat at the bagelry today with noone to talk to, I figured.. why not, Ill bite. As I started reading, it was what you would expect. Most relationships fail, relationships are hard, taking for granted is bad, don't roll your eyes, do nitpick, don't stop communication, and so on. But I was interested to see that one of the things that are supposed to HELP relationships is conflict. It was quick to point out, serious conflict, emotional manipulations, threatening, violence and abuse of any kind, should not really be present in a relationship. However, small conflicts have a lot to offer relationships.

Something my acting teacher in university told me was that conflict is interesting. As an actor, you must always display conflict, as a writer, doubly so. There is a tension that is present in conflict. The need to go this way, but the desire to go that way. My professor aways pointed out that there was always more to a situation on stage. There was what was going on, and the conflict in each character that it brings forward in and around each character.

If a play was a simple list of events, few people would ever go. But people are hungry for conflict, it holds our attention, it pulls at our emotions, it stops of from being placid, and keeps us wanting more. Basically, it keeps us wanting to see what happens next.

I think what the article was getting at is that conflict offers a tension that can't really be found other places. When I stop to think of a relationship without conflict, I think of the American dream, two people sitting across the table from each other. One says something, the other agrees and the go back to eating. There is not depth, no underlining suspense in their relationship, what you see is what you get and you only need about 20 minutes before you have seen all that the interaction has to offer.

So when I stop to consider the fact that Rose and I have little in common, deep down I celebrate it. I think, thank god that some day we will yell and laugh, and cry due to those difference of opinion and conflicts of interests. I figure no one enjoys making compromises, but I feel worse if I never had to. So because of this, I am quite happy that Rose and I may never see things the same way, may never share the same views, nor share the same interests. I want someone in my life they I have conflict with because it forces me to communicate to get through it, it forces us to have things to overcome together, it makes me what to see what is next, causes me to be on the edge of my seat, involved till the last scene when we will all take a bow and the curtains will drop.   

The importance of dreams

It is sometimes silly how practical I can be. I realize I absolutely love organization, order, and self sustaining systems. When something comes across my desk, I can feel my brain instantly starting to unravel its nature. I start to break it down, tear it apart, see how it functions and put it back together. I do this so I can test it, see how it works, and how to integrate it in to other systems. It is interesting because the approach works on many levels for many different things. Once I have it files, sorted, and hopefully self sustaining I can leave it alone and count it as done.

Perhaps it is why business interests me, real estate, stocks, and investments all interest me. I can look at a statement sheet, try to break it down, put it back together and add it to my system so I don't have to think about it ever again while it slowly does its thing. The more systems you can have running at once almost becomes a symphony on complex systems. A machine built one part at a time. Each piece delicate and exact and in balance with the rest. Each part practical, efficient, purposeful, and specifically created.

And then I feel like Rose walks in, and my strategy goes down the tubes. It is amusing how different we think. We she pushes something in to my mind, I instantly start building a system around it, incorporating it. I start breaking it down and building it back up to fit in to what I know and already have. And I feel she comes in and rips it back out to show me what it would taste like, smell like, feel like to do. To just live in that idea for a moment. Perhaps it is something beyond my powers, perhaps I just lost imagination when I was younger to the point where I am all work. I am not sure the reason, but some how she was blessed with the ability to just sit and enjoy something regardless of the purpose, the ability to accomplish, regardless of anything she is just there to enjoy the very special gift of that idea.

While I am busy thinking about the practical side of things, she has almost completely lived through it and is ready for the next idea to create in her world. Perhaps it has been a point of tension at times, but I believe it may also be a point of salvation on my part.

What lies down my path without imagination? What could possible be the goal that I will accomplish. Will I simply be an old man, left fiddling with a machine until the day it is done and I am able to leave it. What then? I will give a shrug and turn off the lights as I leave the room on my life's work that generates little more than a soft “hmm” and a nod from the rare person that happens to stumble into that room and relish in my masterpiece of systems, safeguards, leverages, and automations.

The value in both views can't be denied and perhaps I should be much more welcoming of those breaks that Rose presents. When my eyes are strained from numbers, networks, and linear movement, maybe I can stop and close them to imagine the world the Rose lives in. Where possibility is endless, lifetimes are lived in a day, dreams come true, and paradise is build before you realize you have created it.

I hope you share your world with me more often Rose, there is much to learn there, and lord knows I could use a break. I love you soo much sweetheart, you are my strength. I can't wait to see you.

With you, anything is possible