My uncle and I

        When I was younger, and by younger I mean yesterday, I liked to pretend that I had an uncle that was kind of a jerk. I pictured him like John Smith, the leader of the A-team. A big burly man with a deep voice. I would sit next to him on summer afternoons on the pouch as he smoked cigars with his feet up on the banisters. He would be sitting there peering out at the world as if it had just revealed the final act of his plan and the world was now exactly as he had planed it. I would be there staring up at him listening to him talk.

            He was was a strange man, always going on about the time he had spent in the war that shaped him to become the man he was today. The times he pushed over the hill to personally stab Hitler before returning home to defeat Robert E Lee's army along side custard at wounded knee. You see, I would picture him as a slightly crazy old man, always spewing forth whatever was on his mind as if it was the essence of enlightenment one gains at the end of a full life. I picture him delivering these messages with such sincerity and strength in his deep husky voice that I would rarely stop to question the content of his message before nodding in agreement. “You can catch a fox if you are afraid to shucked corn” he would tell me and I would immediately nod before trying to desperately fill in some meaning to the words he delivered in order to restore him in my mind to the prophet he was.

           I would often sit with him throughout my life. Coming to him in times of question and guidance. He would never sugar coat his advice to me because, as he told me once, sugar will rot the heart and brain of a man as quickly as his teeth. So when I came to a problem in life like failing a class, or letting a friend down, or getting shot down by a girl he would always have the best advice for me. He would sit me down on the bench and look me straight in the eyes and say “Lee, Don't be such a pussy. (this is how he started all of his speeches, if he was to address the president I would imagine him always starting with that line) When I was flying my U-2 Bomber during WWII over Argentina to kill Gandhi, do you think I was worried about some dame? No, because life is a series of shit piles and if your lucky you get a breath of air before the next one hits. You only have so much time in your life, don't waste it bellyaching about something you lost.”

         I would wonder how his advice was relevant for a moment as I contemplated my knowledge of world history before looking back at him to meet his gaze. You see that passionate fire that burned in his eyes would convince you of anything. He could make you doubt your own name by explaining to you that you shouldn't be a pussy and had forgotten it.

I picture him slightly racist and inappropriate as well which would always confuse me as his metaphors were so vague, perhaps it was just me projecting race into otherwise sound advice. Things like “Never cook more beans than you can eat or youll never be able to rid your house of neighbors”. Did he mean neighboring country? Did he mean Mexicans? Was there a reference in the beans? Or was it simple complete nonsense and I was just searching for meaning.

           But you see that was my uncle. Perhaps there was no man there at all. Just a empty shell or a personality so strong that it demanded meaning. Like a guest that has never come to stay, but you always wish he would just for the amusement of it. It demanded substance to a point of pulling it from thin air. As I sat on the porch those hot summer days with my uncle, I learned a lot. I learned what it means to be big and strong willed. But mostly I learned from my uncle how much fun it must be to sit on a porch and act crazy just to fuck with your nephew. I look forward to the day that I get to follow in my uncle's foot steps.   

Some say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one

Love of my life,

I have been thinking a lot lately. About you, about me, and about what we are capable of. I guess it started when I was reading about the potential of people and how it is usually wasted as people frantically look to support their many bills in life. You see when I first met you I thought I had something to prove in this world. I thought, like most people that I had to work really really really hard to get a good job so I earned lots and lots of money so that everyone would think that I was really interesting. I guess what I wanted was just, what most men consider, winning at life. Having an expensive car, a giant house, a commanding respect from his family, I suppose these are the things that most people look for in life; along with myself.

Then I met you, and I would like to say I felt like those things were not important. That all of a sudden, in your eyes I found something that meant more to me than all the money in the world. But sadly, that wasn't what happened. Instead I sat and I listened to you tell me about all the places you wanted to travel to, all the places you wanted to live. You described a living room in a castle in Scotland, a dinning room perched on top of a mountain over looking the ocean, a bedroom high in the trees, deep in a forest next to a river. All these things I would add up in my head and think, for someone I love so much how could I tell her no? Obviously, I just need to work harder. Not to mention, you don't get a beautiful, talented, funny, strong, courageous girl like you by not being able to buy things.

But I can look around and see my friends, they grow up so fast. Matt and adam already starting the treadmill that makes you run faster and faster till you wake up 65 without having any time for those you loved or the lessons you learned along the way. Or like Alex nicole or chris even that feel like they need more money to feel successful. So far is the belief that money=success that I see my peers throwing away such precious time to get it. Only to find that it means they need more.

But I sell our partnership short when I think that. Because what makes us great isn't that fact that we want things. What makes us great is that we dream together. John Lennon said 'when you dream alone, it is just a dream. When you dream together it is a reality.'

You see, we have an amazing ability, you and I. When we close our eyes, and we put our heart together, we can dream up anything we want. Because once we dream it, we can make it. I can't promise you that we will have a living room in Scotland. But we can build a castle. We can build it ourselves out of clay bricks. We can build it in the mountains, or near the ocean, or in a meadow. I can't promise you we can always afford the very best and fresh food. But I can promise that we can grow it for ourselves and every morning pick it together. What we don't know how to grow, we can learn. We can start farmers markets to sell our extras and make sure other people are eating well too. Maybe take it round to older couples homes and bring them food in exchange for tea and stories of when they were kids. I can't promise that we will always have prestige and status. But I can tell you, you will always have my undivided attention, respect, love.

What I am trying to say is, there are very few times in your life when you find such a powerful partnership that allows you to conquer so much. So slowly I learned that my priorities were mixed up. Because when I came on to this world, the only thing I came with was time. And time is the one thing I can't get back. By extension, in the end, time was the only thing that will mean anything to me. What I mean to say I don't want to be rich and powerful to give you all those things you talk about. But I have all the time in the world so lets close our eyes, start with the first thing and start working with a tenacity that can only come from us. What I mean to say is, what people out there are selling, is no way near as amazing as what we can make. So I am not buying, I just want my time with you to be kids, and dream.  

I hope someday you'll join me.... 

this business of love

All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time. Julie Andrews 

I was driving in my car the other day, as I seem to do a lot anymore, and the thought occurred to me that starting a business is a lot like starting a relationship. At first, it is exciting. You are nervous, you are hopeful, you think of all the most wonderful things that could come out of it. And you flirt with so many ideas for your business, where it could go, and what if could become. The business does play coy a lot of the time, but you figure she'll warm up soon enough. You spend a good time thinking about the business, even when you are trying to focus on other things, you spend lots of money on the business, you always want the best for her.

There is a good solid couple months of this where there is no commitment, no real seriousness, just happy playful ideas of what the future could hold and how wonderful it is to work together. But after a couple months you begin to think, which is always a dangerous idea, but nevertheless you sit down and realize you are putting a lot of time, money and resources into this business. You want to know where this is going, you want to know if some other man is going to steal her away, or if you are going to just loose interest in a few months and feel it was a waste of time. To top that off you realize that other responsibilities are falling to the side as you remain hopeful that your business will come around and start working with you towards the future. At this point, you realize you don't even know if you two have a future.

The fears start to add up, why am I spending so much time on this relationship? Would this business do the same for me? Is she just interested in me for my money,? Or does she see a future with us both in it? Am I putting my life on hold simply to make a business happy that will fold up and toss me out at any second? This is the point in my relationship with the business that I am at right now.

You see the business and I, we haven't really talked about our long term goals too much. Where will we see each other in 5 or 10 years. I think about it a lot you see, but sadly, she is much more a live in the now kinda girl. She lives month to month, never caring or knowing if she will have enough money to make it through the year. Maybe she thinks that if she ever gets too far in debt a knight in shinning armor will come rescue her.

I would like to believe that we have a great big future together full of possibility and promise. Working together on whatever we want, to do what ever we want. But I am not sure she sees it that way. Like I said, so focused on the now makes it hard to see the far off accomplishments we could manage if we only worked together. She scares me sometimes, always telling me that it may not work. That I am not putting enough time or money in. My business, she doesn't understand that it is so hard to commit more time and more money when everything is up in the air. She says things that scare me and it is so hard to tell if she just going to give up at any second.

But I remain hopeful with her. She has been my main focus for so long that I do find a comfort of looking back on our past. Those early days when so much seemed possible. Like we were going to rule the world next week. We felt like anything was possible. I thought of cute names to call her and drew her pictures of how I thought she looked like. But that time wasn't wasted on silly games and fun with out new found relationship, it was also filled will so much planing, so much dreaming about how someday we will work together to make things. We will make an impact on the world. Together we were strong, unstoppable.

But now I see that maybe it was just talk, because as time has gone by, my business, she grows restless. Perhaps I don't have what she needs, perhaps someone else with more time or patience would be better. She sees that I am lost and inexperienced as her in this business world. That if I don't know what I am doing, how can she? Perhaps she would be better of with one that was able to plan better, to communicate clearer, budget smarter.

But then I realize that time in the beginning that was the honey moon phase when I dreamed of such a bright future with my business wasn't a long lost time in our relationship, it was a sneak peak of what we could be like. A small glimpse into what we were capable of when we worked together. What beautiful games we thought up, such clever systems, and how we were steadfast in the idea that together we could do anything. We thought up such beautiful goals, and now it was simply time to work. To work towards those beautiful things we saw. So that some day, they will be our reality.

I am not sure if this business is the right one for me. But I guess at the end of the day, the most important quality to have as a business owner is that goal that you are working towards. That you know, you and your business are going to make it so long as you work hard at it every day. There are no short cuts, and if you disregard or take your business for granted you will no doubt fail to make it work. But for those that work at it, I am told it is well worth it.

Ode to conflict

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

-William James quotes

“The fibers of all things have their tension and are strained like the strings of an instrument.”

- Henry David Thoreau

It is almost embarrassing that I was caught today reading an article labeled, “top 8 things that ruin a relationship”. I suppose boys aren't supposed to read such sill things. Normally, I don't, nor do I really care, but as I sat at the bagelry today with noone to talk to, I figured.. why not, Ill bite. As I started reading, it was what you would expect. Most relationships fail, relationships are hard, taking for granted is bad, don't roll your eyes, do nitpick, don't stop communication, and so on. But I was interested to see that one of the things that are supposed to HELP relationships is conflict. It was quick to point out, serious conflict, emotional manipulations, threatening, violence and abuse of any kind, should not really be present in a relationship. However, small conflicts have a lot to offer relationships.

Something my acting teacher in university told me was that conflict is interesting. As an actor, you must always display conflict, as a writer, doubly so. There is a tension that is present in conflict. The need to go this way, but the desire to go that way. My professor aways pointed out that there was always more to a situation on stage. There was what was going on, and the conflict in each character that it brings forward in and around each character.

If a play was a simple list of events, few people would ever go. But people are hungry for conflict, it holds our attention, it pulls at our emotions, it stops of from being placid, and keeps us wanting more. Basically, it keeps us wanting to see what happens next.

I think what the article was getting at is that conflict offers a tension that can't really be found other places. When I stop to think of a relationship without conflict, I think of the American dream, two people sitting across the table from each other. One says something, the other agrees and the go back to eating. There is not depth, no underlining suspense in their relationship, what you see is what you get and you only need about 20 minutes before you have seen all that the interaction has to offer.

So when I stop to consider the fact that Rose and I have little in common, deep down I celebrate it. I think, thank god that some day we will yell and laugh, and cry due to those difference of opinion and conflicts of interests. I figure no one enjoys making compromises, but I feel worse if I never had to. So because of this, I am quite happy that Rose and I may never see things the same way, may never share the same views, nor share the same interests. I want someone in my life they I have conflict with because it forces me to communicate to get through it, it forces us to have things to overcome together, it makes me what to see what is next, causes me to be on the edge of my seat, involved till the last scene when we will all take a bow and the curtains will drop.   

The importance of dreams

It is sometimes silly how practical I can be. I realize I absolutely love organization, order, and self sustaining systems. When something comes across my desk, I can feel my brain instantly starting to unravel its nature. I start to break it down, tear it apart, see how it functions and put it back together. I do this so I can test it, see how it works, and how to integrate it in to other systems. It is interesting because the approach works on many levels for many different things. Once I have it files, sorted, and hopefully self sustaining I can leave it alone and count it as done.

Perhaps it is why business interests me, real estate, stocks, and investments all interest me. I can look at a statement sheet, try to break it down, put it back together and add it to my system so I don't have to think about it ever again while it slowly does its thing. The more systems you can have running at once almost becomes a symphony on complex systems. A machine built one part at a time. Each piece delicate and exact and in balance with the rest. Each part practical, efficient, purposeful, and specifically created.

And then I feel like Rose walks in, and my strategy goes down the tubes. It is amusing how different we think. We she pushes something in to my mind, I instantly start building a system around it, incorporating it. I start breaking it down and building it back up to fit in to what I know and already have. And I feel she comes in and rips it back out to show me what it would taste like, smell like, feel like to do. To just live in that idea for a moment. Perhaps it is something beyond my powers, perhaps I just lost imagination when I was younger to the point where I am all work. I am not sure the reason, but some how she was blessed with the ability to just sit and enjoy something regardless of the purpose, the ability to accomplish, regardless of anything she is just there to enjoy the very special gift of that idea.

While I am busy thinking about the practical side of things, she has almost completely lived through it and is ready for the next idea to create in her world. Perhaps it has been a point of tension at times, but I believe it may also be a point of salvation on my part.

What lies down my path without imagination? What could possible be the goal that I will accomplish. Will I simply be an old man, left fiddling with a machine until the day it is done and I am able to leave it. What then? I will give a shrug and turn off the lights as I leave the room on my life's work that generates little more than a soft “hmm” and a nod from the rare person that happens to stumble into that room and relish in my masterpiece of systems, safeguards, leverages, and automations.

The value in both views can't be denied and perhaps I should be much more welcoming of those breaks that Rose presents. When my eyes are strained from numbers, networks, and linear movement, maybe I can stop and close them to imagine the world the Rose lives in. Where possibility is endless, lifetimes are lived in a day, dreams come true, and paradise is build before you realize you have created it.

I hope you share your world with me more often Rose, there is much to learn there, and lord knows I could use a break. I love you soo much sweetheart, you are my strength. I can't wait to see you.

With you, anything is possible 

sleepless nights

I woke up this morning and you weren't here. Not that it is anything new as of late, but still seems to catch me off guard every morning. Like some how every night when I go to bed Ill want to believe that you arrived in California, tip toed in to me room and climbed under the blankets to be with me. Then every morning I wake up searching for you in my sheets before eventually giving up. I was thinking about what it means to me to wake up next to you, and the importance it has for me. You see, I can remember lots of times when as I was going to sleep, we would be in some sort of argument, or have different point of views. We always promised that we would never go to bed anger, and I really like that rule.

But thinking back, it was never mornings that we had heated discussions, never when we meet up for coffee, never when I saw fist saw you in class, still never when I we met up for drinks. It was always when you offered to drop me off at home, always when I walked you to your house, always when we I drove you to an airport, and even when I said good night. It seemed that the times when I knew that dreaded goodbye was coming, so would the conflict come about.

I am not saying conflict is bad, I feel we have both benefited from it. I know even now looking back at those nights when tempers flared, frustrated sighs came out; and endless tossing and turning ate away the night. Even looking back now, I can't help but smile and how frustrated we got and how silly it was. And of course, I smile that we both had enough feelings to care so strongly.

As I said, it isn't that I see it as a bad thing to discuss and argue, but I see now there was a pattern. It was always when goodbyes were concerned that I felt the most emotional and demanded more attention. Always on goodbyes that I wanted to win arguments, wanted to express myself, but couldn't to the point of frustration. It would seem, that even at night, when the goodbyes only lasted till morning, I still was unable to say it.

Looking back, why wouldn't you smile? To know that you care enough about someone so much that you can't bare to leave their side, even for sleep. I can't help but look back and be happy. True it has been hard, and will remain so for sometime, but how can someone be sad that they have found a person they would give up sleep to spend more time with? I love you sweetheart, and although our sleepless nights have seen many causes, I am happy they have all been sleepless.  

My empty bed

When I am with you, we stay up all night,

When you're not here, I can't get to sleep.

Praise God for these two insomnias!

And the difference between them.

-Rumi

        It is a cold spring day here and I am sad that I had to get out of bed at all. I wish you were here when I woke up so I could creep out of my bed in my warm pajamas and run back to the covers where you waited. We would sit in bed and listen to the rain and talk about all the things we always want to but never have time to. When we had nothing more to say we could just lay there curled up under a mountain of blankets together. We would pretend it was still winter and we had to hibernate.

On days like this, that is what I always think about. Those days back in my small room in New Zealand where we would spend whole nights awake and whole days asleep. Some days soon those times will be back again. Maybe while your here when it is warm we can wake up at dusk when it starts to cool and watch the sunset, staying up till dawn to see the sunrise only to go to sleep again. Some day, some day soon.

There are two baby owls in the warehouse. They look at me when I drive my forklift around. It is so loud and they can't sleep. They wonder what I am doing awake and why I don't stay up all night like them... I just think how much I would rather have my owl here so that I can do that same.

I love you sweet pea. And I know that you are stressed and worried now. But you should know that I am thinking about you all the time. I am so proud of you for applying yourself.  I miss you like crazy and am so excited to see you again soon. You are amazing.

“The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence.”
-Edward Thomas