My uncle and I

        When I was younger, and by younger I mean yesterday, I liked to pretend that I had an uncle that was kind of a jerk. I pictured him like John Smith, the leader of the A-team. A big burly man with a deep voice. I would sit next to him on summer afternoons on the pouch as he smoked cigars with his feet up on the banisters. He would be sitting there peering out at the world as if it had just revealed the final act of his plan and the world was now exactly as he had planed it. I would be there staring up at him listening to him talk.

            He was was a strange man, always going on about the time he had spent in the war that shaped him to become the man he was today. The times he pushed over the hill to personally stab Hitler before returning home to defeat Robert E Lee's army along side custard at wounded knee. You see, I would picture him as a slightly crazy old man, always spewing forth whatever was on his mind as if it was the essence of enlightenment one gains at the end of a full life. I picture him delivering these messages with such sincerity and strength in his deep husky voice that I would rarely stop to question the content of his message before nodding in agreement. “You can catch a fox if you are afraid to shucked corn” he would tell me and I would immediately nod before trying to desperately fill in some meaning to the words he delivered in order to restore him in my mind to the prophet he was.

           I would often sit with him throughout my life. Coming to him in times of question and guidance. He would never sugar coat his advice to me because, as he told me once, sugar will rot the heart and brain of a man as quickly as his teeth. So when I came to a problem in life like failing a class, or letting a friend down, or getting shot down by a girl he would always have the best advice for me. He would sit me down on the bench and look me straight in the eyes and say “Lee, Don't be such a pussy. (this is how he started all of his speeches, if he was to address the president I would imagine him always starting with that line) When I was flying my U-2 Bomber during WWII over Argentina to kill Gandhi, do you think I was worried about some dame? No, because life is a series of shit piles and if your lucky you get a breath of air before the next one hits. You only have so much time in your life, don't waste it bellyaching about something you lost.”

         I would wonder how his advice was relevant for a moment as I contemplated my knowledge of world history before looking back at him to meet his gaze. You see that passionate fire that burned in his eyes would convince you of anything. He could make you doubt your own name by explaining to you that you shouldn't be a pussy and had forgotten it.

I picture him slightly racist and inappropriate as well which would always confuse me as his metaphors were so vague, perhaps it was just me projecting race into otherwise sound advice. Things like “Never cook more beans than you can eat or youll never be able to rid your house of neighbors”. Did he mean neighboring country? Did he mean Mexicans? Was there a reference in the beans? Or was it simple complete nonsense and I was just searching for meaning.

           But you see that was my uncle. Perhaps there was no man there at all. Just a empty shell or a personality so strong that it demanded meaning. Like a guest that has never come to stay, but you always wish he would just for the amusement of it. It demanded substance to a point of pulling it from thin air. As I sat on the porch those hot summer days with my uncle, I learned a lot. I learned what it means to be big and strong willed. But mostly I learned from my uncle how much fun it must be to sit on a porch and act crazy just to fuck with your nephew. I look forward to the day that I get to follow in my uncle's foot steps.   

Some say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one

Love of my life,

I have been thinking a lot lately. About you, about me, and about what we are capable of. I guess it started when I was reading about the potential of people and how it is usually wasted as people frantically look to support their many bills in life. You see when I first met you I thought I had something to prove in this world. I thought, like most people that I had to work really really really hard to get a good job so I earned lots and lots of money so that everyone would think that I was really interesting. I guess what I wanted was just, what most men consider, winning at life. Having an expensive car, a giant house, a commanding respect from his family, I suppose these are the things that most people look for in life; along with myself.

Then I met you, and I would like to say I felt like those things were not important. That all of a sudden, in your eyes I found something that meant more to me than all the money in the world. But sadly, that wasn't what happened. Instead I sat and I listened to you tell me about all the places you wanted to travel to, all the places you wanted to live. You described a living room in a castle in Scotland, a dinning room perched on top of a mountain over looking the ocean, a bedroom high in the trees, deep in a forest next to a river. All these things I would add up in my head and think, for someone I love so much how could I tell her no? Obviously, I just need to work harder. Not to mention, you don't get a beautiful, talented, funny, strong, courageous girl like you by not being able to buy things.

But I can look around and see my friends, they grow up so fast. Matt and adam already starting the treadmill that makes you run faster and faster till you wake up 65 without having any time for those you loved or the lessons you learned along the way. Or like Alex nicole or chris even that feel like they need more money to feel successful. So far is the belief that money=success that I see my peers throwing away such precious time to get it. Only to find that it means they need more.

But I sell our partnership short when I think that. Because what makes us great isn't that fact that we want things. What makes us great is that we dream together. John Lennon said 'when you dream alone, it is just a dream. When you dream together it is a reality.'

You see, we have an amazing ability, you and I. When we close our eyes, and we put our heart together, we can dream up anything we want. Because once we dream it, we can make it. I can't promise you that we will have a living room in Scotland. But we can build a castle. We can build it ourselves out of clay bricks. We can build it in the mountains, or near the ocean, or in a meadow. I can't promise you we can always afford the very best and fresh food. But I can promise that we can grow it for ourselves and every morning pick it together. What we don't know how to grow, we can learn. We can start farmers markets to sell our extras and make sure other people are eating well too. Maybe take it round to older couples homes and bring them food in exchange for tea and stories of when they were kids. I can't promise that we will always have prestige and status. But I can tell you, you will always have my undivided attention, respect, love.

What I am trying to say is, there are very few times in your life when you find such a powerful partnership that allows you to conquer so much. So slowly I learned that my priorities were mixed up. Because when I came on to this world, the only thing I came with was time. And time is the one thing I can't get back. By extension, in the end, time was the only thing that will mean anything to me. What I mean to say I don't want to be rich and powerful to give you all those things you talk about. But I have all the time in the world so lets close our eyes, start with the first thing and start working with a tenacity that can only come from us. What I mean to say is, what people out there are selling, is no way near as amazing as what we can make. So I am not buying, I just want my time with you to be kids, and dream.  

I hope someday you'll join me.... 

this business of love

All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time. Julie Andrews 

I was driving in my car the other day, as I seem to do a lot anymore, and the thought occurred to me that starting a business is a lot like starting a relationship. At first, it is exciting. You are nervous, you are hopeful, you think of all the most wonderful things that could come out of it. And you flirt with so many ideas for your business, where it could go, and what if could become. The business does play coy a lot of the time, but you figure she'll warm up soon enough. You spend a good time thinking about the business, even when you are trying to focus on other things, you spend lots of money on the business, you always want the best for her.

There is a good solid couple months of this where there is no commitment, no real seriousness, just happy playful ideas of what the future could hold and how wonderful it is to work together. But after a couple months you begin to think, which is always a dangerous idea, but nevertheless you sit down and realize you are putting a lot of time, money and resources into this business. You want to know where this is going, you want to know if some other man is going to steal her away, or if you are going to just loose interest in a few months and feel it was a waste of time. To top that off you realize that other responsibilities are falling to the side as you remain hopeful that your business will come around and start working with you towards the future. At this point, you realize you don't even know if you two have a future.

The fears start to add up, why am I spending so much time on this relationship? Would this business do the same for me? Is she just interested in me for my money,? Or does she see a future with us both in it? Am I putting my life on hold simply to make a business happy that will fold up and toss me out at any second? This is the point in my relationship with the business that I am at right now.

You see the business and I, we haven't really talked about our long term goals too much. Where will we see each other in 5 or 10 years. I think about it a lot you see, but sadly, she is much more a live in the now kinda girl. She lives month to month, never caring or knowing if she will have enough money to make it through the year. Maybe she thinks that if she ever gets too far in debt a knight in shinning armor will come rescue her.

I would like to believe that we have a great big future together full of possibility and promise. Working together on whatever we want, to do what ever we want. But I am not sure she sees it that way. Like I said, so focused on the now makes it hard to see the far off accomplishments we could manage if we only worked together. She scares me sometimes, always telling me that it may not work. That I am not putting enough time or money in. My business, she doesn't understand that it is so hard to commit more time and more money when everything is up in the air. She says things that scare me and it is so hard to tell if she just going to give up at any second.

But I remain hopeful with her. She has been my main focus for so long that I do find a comfort of looking back on our past. Those early days when so much seemed possible. Like we were going to rule the world next week. We felt like anything was possible. I thought of cute names to call her and drew her pictures of how I thought she looked like. But that time wasn't wasted on silly games and fun with out new found relationship, it was also filled will so much planing, so much dreaming about how someday we will work together to make things. We will make an impact on the world. Together we were strong, unstoppable.

But now I see that maybe it was just talk, because as time has gone by, my business, she grows restless. Perhaps I don't have what she needs, perhaps someone else with more time or patience would be better. She sees that I am lost and inexperienced as her in this business world. That if I don't know what I am doing, how can she? Perhaps she would be better of with one that was able to plan better, to communicate clearer, budget smarter.

But then I realize that time in the beginning that was the honey moon phase when I dreamed of such a bright future with my business wasn't a long lost time in our relationship, it was a sneak peak of what we could be like. A small glimpse into what we were capable of when we worked together. What beautiful games we thought up, such clever systems, and how we were steadfast in the idea that together we could do anything. We thought up such beautiful goals, and now it was simply time to work. To work towards those beautiful things we saw. So that some day, they will be our reality.

I am not sure if this business is the right one for me. But I guess at the end of the day, the most important quality to have as a business owner is that goal that you are working towards. That you know, you and your business are going to make it so long as you work hard at it every day. There are no short cuts, and if you disregard or take your business for granted you will no doubt fail to make it work. But for those that work at it, I am told it is well worth it.

Ode to conflict

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

-William James quotes

“The fibers of all things have their tension and are strained like the strings of an instrument.”

- Henry David Thoreau

It is almost embarrassing that I was caught today reading an article labeled, “top 8 things that ruin a relationship”. I suppose boys aren't supposed to read such sill things. Normally, I don't, nor do I really care, but as I sat at the bagelry today with noone to talk to, I figured.. why not, Ill bite. As I started reading, it was what you would expect. Most relationships fail, relationships are hard, taking for granted is bad, don't roll your eyes, do nitpick, don't stop communication, and so on. But I was interested to see that one of the things that are supposed to HELP relationships is conflict. It was quick to point out, serious conflict, emotional manipulations, threatening, violence and abuse of any kind, should not really be present in a relationship. However, small conflicts have a lot to offer relationships.

Something my acting teacher in university told me was that conflict is interesting. As an actor, you must always display conflict, as a writer, doubly so. There is a tension that is present in conflict. The need to go this way, but the desire to go that way. My professor aways pointed out that there was always more to a situation on stage. There was what was going on, and the conflict in each character that it brings forward in and around each character.

If a play was a simple list of events, few people would ever go. But people are hungry for conflict, it holds our attention, it pulls at our emotions, it stops of from being placid, and keeps us wanting more. Basically, it keeps us wanting to see what happens next.

I think what the article was getting at is that conflict offers a tension that can't really be found other places. When I stop to think of a relationship without conflict, I think of the American dream, two people sitting across the table from each other. One says something, the other agrees and the go back to eating. There is not depth, no underlining suspense in their relationship, what you see is what you get and you only need about 20 minutes before you have seen all that the interaction has to offer.

So when I stop to consider the fact that Rose and I have little in common, deep down I celebrate it. I think, thank god that some day we will yell and laugh, and cry due to those difference of opinion and conflicts of interests. I figure no one enjoys making compromises, but I feel worse if I never had to. So because of this, I am quite happy that Rose and I may never see things the same way, may never share the same views, nor share the same interests. I want someone in my life they I have conflict with because it forces me to communicate to get through it, it forces us to have things to overcome together, it makes me what to see what is next, causes me to be on the edge of my seat, involved till the last scene when we will all take a bow and the curtains will drop.   

The importance of dreams

It is sometimes silly how practical I can be. I realize I absolutely love organization, order, and self sustaining systems. When something comes across my desk, I can feel my brain instantly starting to unravel its nature. I start to break it down, tear it apart, see how it functions and put it back together. I do this so I can test it, see how it works, and how to integrate it in to other systems. It is interesting because the approach works on many levels for many different things. Once I have it files, sorted, and hopefully self sustaining I can leave it alone and count it as done.

Perhaps it is why business interests me, real estate, stocks, and investments all interest me. I can look at a statement sheet, try to break it down, put it back together and add it to my system so I don't have to think about it ever again while it slowly does its thing. The more systems you can have running at once almost becomes a symphony on complex systems. A machine built one part at a time. Each piece delicate and exact and in balance with the rest. Each part practical, efficient, purposeful, and specifically created.

And then I feel like Rose walks in, and my strategy goes down the tubes. It is amusing how different we think. We she pushes something in to my mind, I instantly start building a system around it, incorporating it. I start breaking it down and building it back up to fit in to what I know and already have. And I feel she comes in and rips it back out to show me what it would taste like, smell like, feel like to do. To just live in that idea for a moment. Perhaps it is something beyond my powers, perhaps I just lost imagination when I was younger to the point where I am all work. I am not sure the reason, but some how she was blessed with the ability to just sit and enjoy something regardless of the purpose, the ability to accomplish, regardless of anything she is just there to enjoy the very special gift of that idea.

While I am busy thinking about the practical side of things, she has almost completely lived through it and is ready for the next idea to create in her world. Perhaps it has been a point of tension at times, but I believe it may also be a point of salvation on my part.

What lies down my path without imagination? What could possible be the goal that I will accomplish. Will I simply be an old man, left fiddling with a machine until the day it is done and I am able to leave it. What then? I will give a shrug and turn off the lights as I leave the room on my life's work that generates little more than a soft “hmm” and a nod from the rare person that happens to stumble into that room and relish in my masterpiece of systems, safeguards, leverages, and automations.

The value in both views can't be denied and perhaps I should be much more welcoming of those breaks that Rose presents. When my eyes are strained from numbers, networks, and linear movement, maybe I can stop and close them to imagine the world the Rose lives in. Where possibility is endless, lifetimes are lived in a day, dreams come true, and paradise is build before you realize you have created it.

I hope you share your world with me more often Rose, there is much to learn there, and lord knows I could use a break. I love you soo much sweetheart, you are my strength. I can't wait to see you.

With you, anything is possible 

sleepless nights

I woke up this morning and you weren't here. Not that it is anything new as of late, but still seems to catch me off guard every morning. Like some how every night when I go to bed Ill want to believe that you arrived in California, tip toed in to me room and climbed under the blankets to be with me. Then every morning I wake up searching for you in my sheets before eventually giving up. I was thinking about what it means to me to wake up next to you, and the importance it has for me. You see, I can remember lots of times when as I was going to sleep, we would be in some sort of argument, or have different point of views. We always promised that we would never go to bed anger, and I really like that rule.

But thinking back, it was never mornings that we had heated discussions, never when we meet up for coffee, never when I saw fist saw you in class, still never when I we met up for drinks. It was always when you offered to drop me off at home, always when I walked you to your house, always when we I drove you to an airport, and even when I said good night. It seemed that the times when I knew that dreaded goodbye was coming, so would the conflict come about.

I am not saying conflict is bad, I feel we have both benefited from it. I know even now looking back at those nights when tempers flared, frustrated sighs came out; and endless tossing and turning ate away the night. Even looking back now, I can't help but smile and how frustrated we got and how silly it was. And of course, I smile that we both had enough feelings to care so strongly.

As I said, it isn't that I see it as a bad thing to discuss and argue, but I see now there was a pattern. It was always when goodbyes were concerned that I felt the most emotional and demanded more attention. Always on goodbyes that I wanted to win arguments, wanted to express myself, but couldn't to the point of frustration. It would seem, that even at night, when the goodbyes only lasted till morning, I still was unable to say it.

Looking back, why wouldn't you smile? To know that you care enough about someone so much that you can't bare to leave their side, even for sleep. I can't help but look back and be happy. True it has been hard, and will remain so for sometime, but how can someone be sad that they have found a person they would give up sleep to spend more time with? I love you sweetheart, and although our sleepless nights have seen many causes, I am happy they have all been sleepless.  

My empty bed

When I am with you, we stay up all night,

When you're not here, I can't get to sleep.

Praise God for these two insomnias!

And the difference between them.

-Rumi

        It is a cold spring day here and I am sad that I had to get out of bed at all. I wish you were here when I woke up so I could creep out of my bed in my warm pajamas and run back to the covers where you waited. We would sit in bed and listen to the rain and talk about all the things we always want to but never have time to. When we had nothing more to say we could just lay there curled up under a mountain of blankets together. We would pretend it was still winter and we had to hibernate.

On days like this, that is what I always think about. Those days back in my small room in New Zealand where we would spend whole nights awake and whole days asleep. Some days soon those times will be back again. Maybe while your here when it is warm we can wake up at dusk when it starts to cool and watch the sunset, staying up till dawn to see the sunrise only to go to sleep again. Some day, some day soon.

There are two baby owls in the warehouse. They look at me when I drive my forklift around. It is so loud and they can't sleep. They wonder what I am doing awake and why I don't stay up all night like them... I just think how much I would rather have my owl here so that I can do that same.

I love you sweet pea. And I know that you are stressed and worried now. But you should know that I am thinking about you all the time. I am so proud of you for applying yourself.  I miss you like crazy and am so excited to see you again soon. You are amazing.

“The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence.”
-Edward Thomas

A few reflections of when we were last together

Ok, so I am having trouble putting what I think in to words. So in this time that you are stressed, I just wanted to remind of a few things about when I was with you last.

1. There are very few times in my life when no fortune, no desires, no curiosities could pull me from the exact place I am at. This is one of those moments. When everything is as perfect as it gets and no matter the rest of the world, I was hope.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. When we are together, I enjoy everything, even the times we are fighting I find it hard not to be happy for the opportunity to have differences and be close enough to argue about them. ( I know you don't like conflict, while I use it to learn more about you.... I am working on flexing my intuitive muscles as well)
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. I know of no person on the face of the earth that has brought me to a beach and had me enjoy the experience, this is the third time you have surprised with with it.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. I don't ever want to stop exploring with you. And I feel like the more we do it, the better we get at it together.

So please don't stress. Do what I do, and remember that people will go through whole lives spending outrageous amounts of money, doing irreversible damage to themselves, and wasting so many years of their lives looking for some experiences like those above. So really, you are doing pretty good.  

oh, and don't forget I love you

The fuss you make over me

I was thinking about my birthday today. It seems silly to me that I go through the same thing ever year. People, they try to get my excited about my birthday, congratulating me, taking me out, and anything else they can think of. But consistently it feels wrong. I don't like people making a fuss over me. Perhaps it is because I am scared ill get used to it. Then when my birthday comes around only once a year, I will be sad when I don't have people making a fuss over me. Also I often feel like I don't really deserve having people make a fuss over me. Like what did I do that was so great that deserves people stopping what they are doing to honor me?

But I feel, the need to be fussed over is present in all humans. Guys are supposed to hate it, and maybe that was why I was so impressed with supposedly hating it. Because it is a pretty “masculine” thing to be making a fuss over someone. Being taken care of, pampered, or looked after were never really things that men do. My dad would always suffer through anything for us kids. Going to work sick, looking after us when he was exhausted, going without so we had.

After a while I learned that these were things that I was supposed to do for the people I love. But if you look at my dad he won't ever stop working, won't slow down, and won't ever let someone pamper him. When I was young I thought it stemmed from a lack of self worth, but anymore I am not so sure. I think men just don't really know how to be looked after. We know how to suffer, we know how to work, and we no how to compete.

I never really understood the desire to be fussed over until I met Rose. She is the only one that I can stand being nice to me because I can trust that it comes from such a place in her heart that there couldn't possible be malevolence, bitterness, or anything other than love.

A couple years ago, Rose brought me cupcakes for my birthday, and strangely I found it the sweetest thing. People had gone out of their way like that before, and at the time Rose even noted that she would do that for any of the friends. But just the fact that some one like her could turn up at your door late at night with the forethought and good nature to do that for someone even if I was leaving within weeks.

Since then when ever I get alone with Rose, I secretly love being fussed over. Like each act was a little gift of a reminder that I am still the luckiest man alive. Still have the love of the most beautiful girl in the world. Other friends, they lend me their pencil, and I feel like I owe them something. With Rose, there is a different connotation. I just feel like it is a log put on a fire, like every time she fusses over me, I feel closer to her, things burn brighter, and want to fuss over her.  

We think the same things at the same time

It is interesting how a time period can bring about such a strong lesson. As though a weekend would have been crafted for the sole sake of serving as an example of what not to do. This weekend for me was that weekend. You see, like some carefully crafted play we all had roles to act this weekend. It seemed by the end we had created a moral to a story that could not be denied. Although, obvious it seemed the actors, so focused on their lines, places, and acting overlooked the message in which we brought to life.

You see we had all the roles cast perfectly. The confused lover, torn between two girls. The thoughtful friends of the light hearted girl offered small, supporting roles. Along with the enchantress and her long time friend. They took center stage, each moving us through the story with their long winded speeches and broad, pointless gestures. By the end of the show, I was confused as who I was backing. So many twists and turns that you felt ever character had changed so much beyond what you thought they could. So many sacrificing themselves and your belief in them in order to get an upper hand is such petty arguments.

It seemed as the final curtains lowered this afternoon I was left with the impression that perhaps love never played a role in this production. This was not a love story, it was a passion story. This was a simple game of tag played out though the bedroom. Kids running without knowing why, kids chasing, with little more reason.

It seems it is just the norm. My brother once told me that when you boil it down, the only thing two people will ever ask is “do you love me?”. It seems that relationships feel like love, people feel close, people feel special. But that answer is rarely simply “yes”. It is always, “yes, if you stay fit” or “yes, if you uproot your life to move with me” or “if you make enough money, I will” or “yes, if my friends are impressed with you”.

Rarely is that answer yes. And so we chase yelling, I will stay fit, I will be better, I will impress your friends. Or we run thinking, I will love you so long as....

But like a person finding appreciation in life in a time of war, I have developed a new appreciation for my own relationship. Something that Rose told me, every hour being an hour before she sees me. Ever paper a paper before we are together. That is how I feel about her as well. One less shovel before I hold her in my arms. One less phone call before I sleep next to her. Because it is reversed for me. My business is my passion, but Rose is my love. I will love my business so long as it moves with me to be closer to Rose. I will love my business so long as it stays fit or as long as it impresses my friends. But Rose is my love. And the answer to that question is yes for me. I know I love her.

It made me realize this weekend that I have something that many people strive for. Two people simply saying they love each other at the same time. That doesn't come around nearly as often as we are taught, nor does it always last that long before that delicate balance is lost again. So I suppose this isn't a post saying I am mad at my friends for making a mess of it all relationship-wise. Nor, is it a message that all relationships are delicate and doomed. It isn't even a message that mine is always going to be balanced or strong. I think the main message I took home about this weekend is that it is so rare to find someone that thinks the same things at the same time when it comes to the people in the relationship. When the answer is both yes, that is rare, really rare. Right now, I just want to appreciate that in my own life. We think the same thing at the same time, with our minds, or hearts, and our plans, I think that is something extraordinary. Something that comes around so few in lives from what I gather and I am truly I have found it and am able to be apart of it.   

back in my old bed

 I am back home trying to relax and laying on my old bed in the back room. It is silly to me when I think back two years to all the nights I stayed up and waited to talk to you. Then when you were here I would look back and think about how happy I was that you were finally here. Now, once again I am sad when I think back to how you had been here one time and now are gone. I am excited for the day when I am not longer so far away from you.

I am sure you have some of your own sorting out to do. The last time I talked to you you seemed a bit lost and frustrated. I hope you are working hard and still remembering how much I care about you. When I think about the time you got to lay in this bed with me, it is a really fond memory. Few people will ever get to see this area up here and how much it means to me. That summer I spent with you, working and enjoying life, are some of my fondest memories.

Anyways, I guess it is late and I should get to bed. I miss you and think about you very often. All my love.  

Advice

 I have never been one to take a whole lot of advice from my family. I mean I take council, listen to what people say. Rarely do I simply take family's advice as gospel and run with it. However it becomes clear to me that certain advice from certain members has always been taken more than others. What I mean by this is that my dad is a sales person. From this I take his advice when I need advice in sales, business, and things like this. Chris is my compassion, advising me on the ethical, heartfelt, and otherwise motivational topics. My Grandpa is the same as business, having him spend his life in middle management has provided a wealth of resources to help my life. Finally, my grandma has always been my romantic advisor. She wants to be my spiritual advisor, however after 60 years of happy marriage I see that she has more to offer as a romantic.

When I last said good bye to her it was nice good bye. She knows I am busy, she knows I am worried about missing Rose and that there is a hard year ahead of us. I looked for a bit of guidance from her as I said good bye about how to manage both Rose and the business. I have always been worried that the two clashed in time while I knew that they didn't compare in priority. My grandma, being a conservative lady turned to me and told me that Rose is a strong woman. She may not always act it but she could see a strength and resolution underneath that I had been well acquainted with rare, privileged moments. It is true that Rose contains unimaginable strength and resolution so I listened more. My grandma went on to say, it is a year, it feels so long now but that is because it is on your mind all the time.

I have faith in Rose, she continued and I have faith in your relationship with her. If it is meant to be, it will be. If Rose is the one she will come back in the year with no problem. Although, I am not sure the advice in this case, does that mean I shouldn't worry? If I forget about Rose will she come back to me regardless? Is it already set in stone or do I still have to work for it?

I am not sure what she means by it really. I think her and my grandfather had spent time apart and maybe they were able to get through it just find. I am sure there is truth to what she says. But how conservative can I be in my assumption that everything will move along slowly? And is that fair to assume that Rose can just always come running to American when her boy friend calls? What about her life? Does that always take a second stage to my own? Some of my happiest moments of her time here was in the time she was able to become a part of my family. When we got to wake up and cook for my family together. These moments are what I cherish most and why doesn't Rose get to experience these things with her own family? What kind of partner can I be when I take but do not give these moments? 

It is because of these issues, that I find that the relationship deserves more of a time commitment than I am giving it. I can not state that Rose is important to me without making a effort to be a part of her life. Every time I try, it is difficult, it is challenging, and it is rewarding. Because of all these reasons, I have decided that is time for me to go home and spend time with the one person that always believes in me. Who takes care of me, nurtures me, and builds me back up. I have decided to come home for my favorite holiday, easter, because I know it means a lot to Rose's family too.

I will be there in just a few short weeks, not because I am scared that I will loose you (my grandma said I wouldn't) but because you make the effort for me, you visit my family and you become a part of my life. I hope you will let me do the same. I love you so much Rose, I am coming home. I will be there the 18^th. Tickets have been bought, there is no backing out now. You are stuck with me.

I can't wait to see you. I love you soo much. You're my guiding star.   

loosing track of time

 I do wish I had more time to make this post more elegant, more poetic or contain better flow. But sadly this week has left me drained emotionally, physically, and well any other way I can be. I have been trying to sort out the property. It is hard to have your family tearing itself a part from the inside out. It is more difficult watching your other family members go through it. Chris isn't handling it too well and goes through fits of stress and frustration. I worry about him which is just more stress on my plate.

Then there is the business. There is the fact that I am not meeting deadlines. I feel like a window is constantly closing slowly and no matter how fast I run I won't catch it. Perhaps this is how all adults feel when there are bills in their lives. I really hope this is the rare time in my life when I feel this way. I couldn't not imagine having a family and going through this. Beyond a doubt the scariest thing for a person to face when they have someone relying on them. I try so hard to manage the stress on this but I can feel it creeping in to my every day life. It is a rough feeling.

Finally the third notion of stress is Rose being so far away while still remaining so close to my heart. I guess the stress mostly comes from the thought of loosing her. She means so much to me and it makes it all so difficult to sort out. If there is a threat I might loose her I just want to fight against that but at the same time I feel rather useless when I have so many other things pulling at me at the same time. It is to the point where I stress about thinking about loosing Rose to the point that I don't want to give it more power than I do and which makes me stress about not stressing about Rose... it is a vicious cycle.

But I was thinking today about what Rose said about us being the two of the same body. I am not a superstitious man, and I don't really believe in a lot of those deep connection kind of things. However, I do understand this notion of a very deep connection that I feel with Rose. There have been days that I feel like I am sad for no reason. That I am confused and stressed without knowing why. After talking to Rose she will tell me that she is feeling the same way. I wonder if there isn't some of connection there, perhaps it was always there when we were little. Perhaps those days when I felt unusually happy for no reasons were related to her in her own life.

But I can say that I focus on Rose a lot. Every day whether I talk to her or not I constantly think about her. You see, she has become sort of my mascot. I think about my life with her, I think about our future and if give me strength to get through these trialled times. I found it really hard when she left and I was still here working. However, I felt that she was still with me because I can look ahead at the goal that we have set together to make through this time. Our plans with living in a yurt, having ducks and chickens, even just going to go on dates once we are together again. All of these things are so powerful, so strong that they can carry someone through a day of shoveling dirt and stress.

Who is to say that a connection is not formed there when two people strive so hard for the same goal. When two people look so hard to their future that they don't influence the world around them. Obviously we are able to conquer space by always keeping each other in our hearts so that we always feel close. What is to say we are not able to conquer time as well through always keeping our future so close to our hearts. In this way I do believe I have a connection with Rose. That I can begin to feel for her, and tell when she is stressed, scared and confused. Maybe it is odd but I do suppose I can actually feel those things too.

It then makes sense to me why these problems of stress seem to add up so quickly. When I get so worried about loosing Rose, I don't want to think about her. When I think of her my mind goes to possibly loosing her. Instead, I want to focus on other things to keep my mind busy like the business or the property. And just like that my happy thoughts disappear and I come tumbling down.

But the reason I fall so far down is a testimony to the love and admiration that I have for rose. Few people in my life have lifted me up so high and carried me so far. It is so rare to find someone that you work so well together. She balances me in so many ways. The way I look forward to the future is the only way I get through this time of struggle and difficulties. I pray everyday for that day to come when she finally steps off that plane and I get to hold her in my arms again. This look to the future is so strongly created in my mind that it acts as a memory. Perhaps she already has stepped off that plane, perhaps we lived ever after together already. It seems like when you look so hard to the future and it becomes a memory that time fade from a relationship and that is what creates that feeling of being connected. In a way, we have lived out our lives already together because we look so strongly ahead that we will create it every moment even from halfway around the world.  

sleepy thoughts before bed

This will just have to be a quick post.  I am really tired and running on about 5 hours of sleep a night the last few nights.  I wanted write a few things here though.   First of all what a rough day it was.  I am not sure why.  I am really stressed. This whole business things is driving me up the wall.  So much responsibility and at the moment I just don't really see how it is all supposed to work itself out.  I was rather upset with it today.  Strangely when I got home I was in an awful mood.  Really mad and wanting to just break something.  Then I had a sit down and talked to Rose.  I actually got a little emotional.  I am not really sure where all this was coming from.  In my young adult years, I never cried or showed emotion.  I kinda thought of myself as a brick wall when it came to letting people in.  I am not sure if there is any relation to being with Rose.  However, I feel like that has broken down slightly.
     anyways, having talked to Rose, I then talked to my dad.  I thought I was just going to talk about the business.  but the more I talked to him the more my voice sounded strange.  Like that feeling when you are trying to say something by your throat is trying to communicate something else. It is rather strange.  But my dad was not fooled and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the business and that was fine.  And then he asked me how I felt about Rose's birthday this weekend.  For some reason I couldn't hold it any longer.  I just started... well leaking.
      I don't like crying.. Men aren't supposed to do it.  But more than that, there really just isn't a manly way to do it.  However, the moment of being a sissy did reveal something to me.  I wasn't, perhaps, as upset about the business as I was about the fact that I was missing the love of my life turn in to a woman.   I want so much to be there and support her.  To hold her, comfort her and encourage her.   It is really weird for me to feel this way about someone, since I haven't ever really cared that much about much anything.  Yet here I was.
      The thing that gets to me the most is when I stop to think about it.  I think how she is growing up and I want to be there for her in all the ways I said before.  But, that is happening every day.  Every day she is becoming a woman, and ever day I want to be there to support here and encourage her.  However, on special days like this you realize what you are missing out on.  and I just start to wonder what the hell I am doing half way around the world from some one as amazing as her.  It seems silly to me because when I put the two together..... make money or grow up with Rose.   There isn't even a shadow of a competition.  So then why I am I here? and she there? I think that is the question that has been stressing me out all weak.  Because deep down I know.... there isn't a good enough answer to keep me here.

Two years well spent

 It is late and time for my bed, but I just wanted to put a quick note up here. You see, it is a very special day today. One that I shouldn't forget to make a note. You see, I was listening to someone talk to day about how the best thing you can do in life is sit down and write out a “gratitude list”. I know it sounds dumb, but hear them out. You write a list of all the things that you are thankful for. Anyways, what I mean to say is, if I was to write out such a list I would put today high up on this list. Two years ago today someone came in to my life that has and will continue to be a huge influence on my life. Her name is Rose and although I had met her a week before this day, and I wouldn't start dating for another few month in December, today marked the first time that I would have a full afternoon with her.

We left class and I saw her go out the door. I had hoped the last week to have had the chance to talk to her since our first day of class when we shared a Spanish book, but there was no opportunities. She always came in late and sat away from me.

So when I saw her walking the same direction I quickly tried my best at starting a conversation. I can't remember what we talked about... traveling, Spanish, really typical stuff I think. Then she said she was going down town and I asked if I could come. She made me feel kind a silly all the time and I could really explain it, but I was really really attracted to her in a way that was very surprising.

We went in search of a piano book. It was going to be her birthday soon. And she was looking for a piano book for herself or her brother. I can't remember. So we went to boarders and as we walked around I tried to continue to make some sort of conversation so that it wasn't apparent I was just hanging around to be next to her. I can't imagine what she would have thought. A boy saying “you are looking at at piano books? Can I come, I love doing that!” she saying “ oh do you play a musical instrument?” and then me replying “no”.

Haha, perhaps she wondered why I was there, but it didn't show and then I worked up the courage to ask her for a drink. I felt a bit more relaxed with a drink, but remember not really feeling altogether well. We sat and talked about a lot of things. She would ask me very personal questions that would catch me off guard like “what does your mom do”. Eventually we sat doodling sheep and roses for a long while before we eventually jumped on buses before going home.

It was funny, those buses. That we should be headed the same way and we didn't walk home together yet. Eventually I stopped taking those buses home altogether. And instead would try to time me going home at the same time as you so I could walk with Rose. I remember I would walk you to your bus stop, and then you would walk me to mine. Finally I would walk you back to yours. Simply cuz we didn't want to go. Those were some good memories. I am very happy I met Rose that day, it started something more wonderful than I could have imagined. I am very happy to be apart of this team. I love you Rose so much!!! Even that day I couldn't have denied that I felt so connected to you. I am so happy to be with you.   

Investments and dealers

 I was reading a book recently about how money has no inherent value in itself. It is all just what we believe it is is worth. The book goes on to say that no one really should be working to collect money because there isn't really a point to having a lot of money around. It is simply a tool in order to get what you want. I have been thinking about money a lot lately. Mostly because trying to manage money is difficult. It seems like it always take the path of least resistance and that is never to my pocket.

The other interesting thing the book was saying was that you really shouldn't ever be working for money, you should be working for the knowledge of managing money. I think this whole thought process is kinda interesting. The way money is seen by different people is fascinating, some people hate it, some people love it, some people never want to talk about it. But it does affect everyones lives.

I also remember some poster I read when I was little that had a small mouse holding an ear of corn and the caption read, the best things in life really are free. I don't think it was meant to be factual, just simply.... meant to create a sense of hope.

People will work their whole life, then investing in making other people rich. Then retire poor. That is what happened to my grandparents. They worked their whole life for GM. My grandpa believed in the American dream. That you can work and be taken care of, But Social Security is bankrupt, and people don't have any options. I think about how much my dad has helped me with the business. But that wasn't an investment in the business as much as an investment in me learning business. I may come out of this with nothing... or debt.. but already, I have learned more in this last 6 months than I have learned in all four years of university. The Money I would potentially lose looks pretty small compared to the 100000 dollars I spent on university. The education will serve me better as well.

So to me it seems silly to have paid for university and not the business. But the other interesting thing is that the best investment I ever made wasn't anything to do with money. That was when I picked the life on wanting to be with Rose. That has been more rewarding, challenging, and exciting than anything I could do with money. However, I feel that no matter how much money I could have thrown at Rose, it still wouldn't have made her love me any faster. Least I hope not.

So maybe the best things in life are free. Maybe money isn't meant to be worried about because people go through rich parts and poor parts of their life. As they say, money comes and goes but you can never get rid of your friends. So I guess in that respect it would be best to learn how to acquire money as a skill. That way when you inevitably run in to tight spots you maintain a way to get out of them. Logically then, I should be learning how to make money from no money, and I am in the perfect situation for that :-).

I do miss the support from Rose that I typically got. She always supported me and told me that I can do it. I need that.... and miss it. There is no point in me earning any money if I can't have the free things that I want, and Rose is exactly what I want.  

Spiritual window shoppers

After writing the last post I had a dream. In that dream I was a little kid reading a book and I found a poem I read when I was a little kid. This poem had a huge effect on me and I used to read it a lot. I always really felt like I could connect with it. It went as follows:

•  These spiritual window-shoppers,
  who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
  They handle a hundred items and put them down,
  shadows with no capital.
  
  
   What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
  But these walk into a shop,
  and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment,
  in that shop.
  
  
   Where did you go? "Nowhere."
  What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."
  
  
   Even if you don't know what you want,
  buy something, to be part of the exchanging flow.
  
  
   Start a huge, foolish project,
  like Noah.
  
  
   It makes absolutely no difference
  what people think of you.

It was written buy Rumi who was around, I believe the 13^th century. Either way I think it relates to what I was trying to say a lot. When we simply walk around, we never take chances to become invested in something that could be a disappointment. Well Rose, you are my huge foolish project. :-) and I hope we have a great deal of huge foolish projects that we take on together like starting a business, going to England, traveling to India, riding elephants, and any other foolish thing we can think of. I know some things will end in tears and disappointment. But I am glad we have each other to cry on and to say “but what if we do this instead....” at the end of it all. We can go be fools together and buy the whole shop.

 I have been thinking a lot lately about how I make choices. I woke up today, rolled out of bed and ate something for breakfast, showered, put my clothes on, and as I was headed out the door I wondered how many choices I had made already in my day. This shirt over that one, this food instead of that, and coffee or tea? Seems I had hardly made any choices at all just went through my morning. However, what happens when I start working is completely different. I dwell on each choose. I could go with that, but what if that doesn't work or I don't like it or it works too well.... the concerns are endless.

It slowed me down, made me stressed, it was altogether unnerving how difficult it was to make a choice. Perhaps it was due to the fact that consequences were involved. If I were to pick the wrong breakfast, Ill live. However, if I improperly plan the next month, I may no longer have a business to make a living.

When I started thinking about goals and choices I discovered that people are largely scared to set goals and make committed choices because of the consequences that could ensue. I mean, things like breakfast we do everyday and develop a routine to minimize consequences. We know that there won't be a finger in our corn flakes and we know how the coffee down the street tastes. We start to build our lives so that we don't have surprises as a result of our choices.

When I am trying to make smart inform choices about things I have never done or known about, I feel an immense pressure not to decide anything until I have more information. I found what I really do is neglect it. Let the situation sit and then eventually I don't learn anything, nor do I make a choice. Perhaps that works when you a kid, but not too much anymore.

Strangely there was a place that a decision was never a problem. I have always picked to be with Rose. I am not sure why. Maybe because she believed in me so I have faith in myself to make it. Or maybe I just didn't know what I was getting in to. Or perhaps deep down I just knew it was right and there wasn't any fighting it if I wanted. Whatever the reason I chose to stay with Rose. I told her at one point that I was foolish enough to marry her to keep her visa. Perhaps it wasn't the smartest choice if I had stepped back in from the situation. Maybe you could argue that my feelings cloud my judgment. But I still made a choice. Pick a stand and said..... right or wrong this is what I pick, I will go down with my ship if I have to but at least I'll sail till I crash.

Maybe it is just me but it feels like people don't do that anymore. They don't stick to their word. Politics have entered our every day interactions and when question about something we had decided and told someone we would do, we find a way to turn it round. “I agreed I would do it, but never said I would do it this life time” at what point do we loose all power to except we are wrong and learn from our mistakes.

Because that is what I learned was the bottom line with my choice with Rose. I picked a side, it was with her. If she has said... “oh, I think we have different expectations of what this is” then I would have known that we weren't ready, it wasn't right, I chose wrong in the situation. But at least I would have took a stance to what I feel. We go through life waiting for the world to make a choice for us so that we can tell ourselves. “ I suppose there really was nothing that could be done” or “I was forced in to a corner, what could I have done?” Meanwhile we never learn, we never acted so we never could learn from our mistakes. As for me, I would rather go out in a pink tu-tu that I chose, then a nice shirt that was left to me because I waited too long to do laundry.  

Waiting 40 years

                I had a very interesting talk today with a man that had stopped by my work. He seemed like a nice enough person. In his forties, owned his own printing company, pleasant to talk to, and seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders. Anyways we got to talking about this and that. Mostly about business and the economy when he mentioned that recently he had a horrid stroke of luck. Without even waiting for me to ask he went in to details about how he had been single most of his life. Never really falling in love or risking to much in way of his heart. He gave no real reason. I suppose some people just never really get around to opening themselves up or meeting the right person. Anyways, he said that he never really fell in love. The way he put he waited forty years to meet a woman. I thought that sounded especially cute. He said the relationship was started well but the girl he had waited for had some demons to overcome as he put it. She was struggling with alcoholism. She had been in and out of therapy a few times with little progress. He loved her very much, but she just had to figure a way out of the situation. But just a few months ago she was drunk and drove off the road dying in a car crash. He was left alone after waiting forty years for this person. He couldn't speak high of her as well. Adding that she was the most amazing woman he had ever met, she was just haunted from her past.

              There are few people that can tell me their relationship stories and bring about sympathy from me. Perhaps I am jaded perhaps I am just numb. But I knew how he felt. I felt like I waited so long for Rose to come in to my life. Like the last 25 years were all just a prelude to being with her now. I looked at him explain to me that he had found that, held that in his arms, and had it ripped from him. I knew exactly how he felt. I had felt that way the last few weeks. But my heart could not help by feel for this poor man as he, only two days before I had kissed Rose goodbye at the airport, had lowered his Rose in to the ground. I count myself lucky after that conversation. Like I had dodged a bullet. I hope I don't ever know how he felt,. But I do think that while I am fortunate enough to be in my situation, I have the need to tell my darking Rose that I love her so much. If I was ever to loose you, my life would be shattered. Please take care of yourself for both our sakes. And no matter what haunts you from your past, lets take it on together. I love you sweet heart.  

Dear Diary

Dear diary,

Rose helps me believe I can be the man she sees in me. For this I am forever grateful.


Lee

My out look on life

          It is weird how events in your life perfectly capture your outlook. Today was a really crap day. I don't mean that as a metaphor, or to be dramatic. I mean literally today just seemed to revolve around crap. First of all I woke up to my drains not working. When you live in the house I live it, you kinda have to except that things won't work and you hope you'll get lucky when what you need at the time is working. 

         This was not the case for me today as I stumbled in to my bathroom to find that the toilet filled up with shower water and the shower filled up with what I hoped was sink water. As I was frantically running for towels buckets, plungers, roommates, or anything else to plug holes I was thinking about how this half awake morning reflects my general outlook on life. So many times I just kinda hope things go down and disappear so to speak. Like there is some imaginary hole that the bullshit in my life will sink in to.... maybe garble a little and then disappear replaced by clear refreshing water. That is how I suppose I lived my life.... breathing a sigh of relief every time I pushed a magic button to whisk away the bad only to have it deposit itself quietly beneath where I live my life. 

       Now, I think my metaphor falls through when I develop a better way to deal with all bullshit in my life... But, there is still an important lesson to be learned here. I was sitting in a bar the other day when someone told me that he once heard a quote that said “if people took all the energy they used to make everyone one around them happy and instead used it to make themselves happy, the world wouldn't be such a shit hole” I am not sure that the quote was verbatim, and I do know that he was very drunk. But as I was plunging away at my various drains thinking how much more I could fit under my house those words floated back to me.... “shit hole”. I could help but feel there is some honesty to it. Perhaps my house is clean, perhaps my life is less smelly.... but here I was all day still trying to stop the crap from overflowing in my life.

The things you miss

When someone leaves you always think about the good times.  Those moments you spend together when the world freezes and melts away leaving you and that person together in a moment of joy.  Those moments, though far and few between are what I look back on when I think of friends, family, and loved ones that have touched my life.  I like to relive those moments, when I have a free moment.  Thinking how lucky I was to be there to share that.  There is something about this time that is different.  As much as I love those moments, it isn't the good times that stick out in my mind.  It wasn't the times when we had free time or had the world melt away leaving it to just us.  It was the normal moments.  I miss the sweet things she said.  The odd jokes she told that I thought were cute.  I miss the planning; the thoughts of being able to accomplish anything.  Even the angry arguments that went late in to the night.  In reality I miss all of that much more.  And more than anything I miss being able to hold her, to comfort her when she was stressed.  Those very short, brief moments when she let her guard down long enough for me to climb inside and have a look around at the world from her point of view.  Those moments when she did, they never happen half way around the world and rarely happen half way around the room. So until that person comes back into your life you just sit and wait and relive those moments in all that free time.