My empty bed

When I am with you, we stay up all night,

When you're not here, I can't get to sleep.

Praise God for these two insomnias!

And the difference between them.

-Rumi

        It is a cold spring day here and I am sad that I had to get out of bed at all. I wish you were here when I woke up so I could creep out of my bed in my warm pajamas and run back to the covers where you waited. We would sit in bed and listen to the rain and talk about all the things we always want to but never have time to. When we had nothing more to say we could just lay there curled up under a mountain of blankets together. We would pretend it was still winter and we had to hibernate.

On days like this, that is what I always think about. Those days back in my small room in New Zealand where we would spend whole nights awake and whole days asleep. Some days soon those times will be back again. Maybe while your here when it is warm we can wake up at dusk when it starts to cool and watch the sunset, staying up till dawn to see the sunrise only to go to sleep again. Some day, some day soon.

There are two baby owls in the warehouse. They look at me when I drive my forklift around. It is so loud and they can't sleep. They wonder what I am doing awake and why I don't stay up all night like them... I just think how much I would rather have my owl here so that I can do that same.

I love you sweet pea. And I know that you are stressed and worried now. But you should know that I am thinking about you all the time. I am so proud of you for applying yourself.  I miss you like crazy and am so excited to see you again soon. You are amazing.

“The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence.”
-Edward Thomas

A few reflections of when we were last together

Ok, so I am having trouble putting what I think in to words. So in this time that you are stressed, I just wanted to remind of a few things about when I was with you last.

1. There are very few times in my life when no fortune, no desires, no curiosities could pull me from the exact place I am at. This is one of those moments. When everything is as perfect as it gets and no matter the rest of the world, I was hope.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. When we are together, I enjoy everything, even the times we are fighting I find it hard not to be happy for the opportunity to have differences and be close enough to argue about them. ( I know you don't like conflict, while I use it to learn more about you.... I am working on flexing my intuitive muscles as well)
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. I know of no person on the face of the earth that has brought me to a beach and had me enjoy the experience, this is the third time you have surprised with with it.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. I don't ever want to stop exploring with you. And I feel like the more we do it, the better we get at it together.

So please don't stress. Do what I do, and remember that people will go through whole lives spending outrageous amounts of money, doing irreversible damage to themselves, and wasting so many years of their lives looking for some experiences like those above. So really, you are doing pretty good.  

oh, and don't forget I love you

The fuss you make over me

I was thinking about my birthday today. It seems silly to me that I go through the same thing ever year. People, they try to get my excited about my birthday, congratulating me, taking me out, and anything else they can think of. But consistently it feels wrong. I don't like people making a fuss over me. Perhaps it is because I am scared ill get used to it. Then when my birthday comes around only once a year, I will be sad when I don't have people making a fuss over me. Also I often feel like I don't really deserve having people make a fuss over me. Like what did I do that was so great that deserves people stopping what they are doing to honor me?

But I feel, the need to be fussed over is present in all humans. Guys are supposed to hate it, and maybe that was why I was so impressed with supposedly hating it. Because it is a pretty “masculine” thing to be making a fuss over someone. Being taken care of, pampered, or looked after were never really things that men do. My dad would always suffer through anything for us kids. Going to work sick, looking after us when he was exhausted, going without so we had.

After a while I learned that these were things that I was supposed to do for the people I love. But if you look at my dad he won't ever stop working, won't slow down, and won't ever let someone pamper him. When I was young I thought it stemmed from a lack of self worth, but anymore I am not so sure. I think men just don't really know how to be looked after. We know how to suffer, we know how to work, and we no how to compete.

I never really understood the desire to be fussed over until I met Rose. She is the only one that I can stand being nice to me because I can trust that it comes from such a place in her heart that there couldn't possible be malevolence, bitterness, or anything other than love.

A couple years ago, Rose brought me cupcakes for my birthday, and strangely I found it the sweetest thing. People had gone out of their way like that before, and at the time Rose even noted that she would do that for any of the friends. But just the fact that some one like her could turn up at your door late at night with the forethought and good nature to do that for someone even if I was leaving within weeks.

Since then when ever I get alone with Rose, I secretly love being fussed over. Like each act was a little gift of a reminder that I am still the luckiest man alive. Still have the love of the most beautiful girl in the world. Other friends, they lend me their pencil, and I feel like I owe them something. With Rose, there is a different connotation. I just feel like it is a log put on a fire, like every time she fusses over me, I feel closer to her, things burn brighter, and want to fuss over her.  

We think the same things at the same time

It is interesting how a time period can bring about such a strong lesson. As though a weekend would have been crafted for the sole sake of serving as an example of what not to do. This weekend for me was that weekend. You see, like some carefully crafted play we all had roles to act this weekend. It seemed by the end we had created a moral to a story that could not be denied. Although, obvious it seemed the actors, so focused on their lines, places, and acting overlooked the message in which we brought to life.

You see we had all the roles cast perfectly. The confused lover, torn between two girls. The thoughtful friends of the light hearted girl offered small, supporting roles. Along with the enchantress and her long time friend. They took center stage, each moving us through the story with their long winded speeches and broad, pointless gestures. By the end of the show, I was confused as who I was backing. So many twists and turns that you felt ever character had changed so much beyond what you thought they could. So many sacrificing themselves and your belief in them in order to get an upper hand is such petty arguments.

It seemed as the final curtains lowered this afternoon I was left with the impression that perhaps love never played a role in this production. This was not a love story, it was a passion story. This was a simple game of tag played out though the bedroom. Kids running without knowing why, kids chasing, with little more reason.

It seems it is just the norm. My brother once told me that when you boil it down, the only thing two people will ever ask is “do you love me?”. It seems that relationships feel like love, people feel close, people feel special. But that answer is rarely simply “yes”. It is always, “yes, if you stay fit” or “yes, if you uproot your life to move with me” or “if you make enough money, I will” or “yes, if my friends are impressed with you”.

Rarely is that answer yes. And so we chase yelling, I will stay fit, I will be better, I will impress your friends. Or we run thinking, I will love you so long as....

But like a person finding appreciation in life in a time of war, I have developed a new appreciation for my own relationship. Something that Rose told me, every hour being an hour before she sees me. Ever paper a paper before we are together. That is how I feel about her as well. One less shovel before I hold her in my arms. One less phone call before I sleep next to her. Because it is reversed for me. My business is my passion, but Rose is my love. I will love my business so long as it moves with me to be closer to Rose. I will love my business so long as it stays fit or as long as it impresses my friends. But Rose is my love. And the answer to that question is yes for me. I know I love her.

It made me realize this weekend that I have something that many people strive for. Two people simply saying they love each other at the same time. That doesn't come around nearly as often as we are taught, nor does it always last that long before that delicate balance is lost again. So I suppose this isn't a post saying I am mad at my friends for making a mess of it all relationship-wise. Nor, is it a message that all relationships are delicate and doomed. It isn't even a message that mine is always going to be balanced or strong. I think the main message I took home about this weekend is that it is so rare to find someone that thinks the same things at the same time when it comes to the people in the relationship. When the answer is both yes, that is rare, really rare. Right now, I just want to appreciate that in my own life. We think the same thing at the same time, with our minds, or hearts, and our plans, I think that is something extraordinary. Something that comes around so few in lives from what I gather and I am truly I have found it and am able to be apart of it.