I have been thinking a lot lately about how I make choices. I woke up today, rolled out of bed and ate something for breakfast, showered, put my clothes on, and as I was headed out the door I wondered how many choices I had made already in my day. This shirt over that one, this food instead of that, and coffee or tea? Seems I had hardly made any choices at all just went through my morning. However, what happens when I start working is completely different. I dwell on each choose. I could go with that, but what if that doesn't work or I don't like it or it works too well.... the concerns are endless.

It slowed me down, made me stressed, it was altogether unnerving how difficult it was to make a choice. Perhaps it was due to the fact that consequences were involved. If I were to pick the wrong breakfast, Ill live. However, if I improperly plan the next month, I may no longer have a business to make a living.

When I started thinking about goals and choices I discovered that people are largely scared to set goals and make committed choices because of the consequences that could ensue. I mean, things like breakfast we do everyday and develop a routine to minimize consequences. We know that there won't be a finger in our corn flakes and we know how the coffee down the street tastes. We start to build our lives so that we don't have surprises as a result of our choices.

When I am trying to make smart inform choices about things I have never done or known about, I feel an immense pressure not to decide anything until I have more information. I found what I really do is neglect it. Let the situation sit and then eventually I don't learn anything, nor do I make a choice. Perhaps that works when you a kid, but not too much anymore.

Strangely there was a place that a decision was never a problem. I have always picked to be with Rose. I am not sure why. Maybe because she believed in me so I have faith in myself to make it. Or maybe I just didn't know what I was getting in to. Or perhaps deep down I just knew it was right and there wasn't any fighting it if I wanted. Whatever the reason I chose to stay with Rose. I told her at one point that I was foolish enough to marry her to keep her visa. Perhaps it wasn't the smartest choice if I had stepped back in from the situation. Maybe you could argue that my feelings cloud my judgment. But I still made a choice. Pick a stand and said..... right or wrong this is what I pick, I will go down with my ship if I have to but at least I'll sail till I crash.

Maybe it is just me but it feels like people don't do that anymore. They don't stick to their word. Politics have entered our every day interactions and when question about something we had decided and told someone we would do, we find a way to turn it round. “I agreed I would do it, but never said I would do it this life time” at what point do we loose all power to except we are wrong and learn from our mistakes.

Because that is what I learned was the bottom line with my choice with Rose. I picked a side, it was with her. If she has said... “oh, I think we have different expectations of what this is” then I would have known that we weren't ready, it wasn't right, I chose wrong in the situation. But at least I would have took a stance to what I feel. We go through life waiting for the world to make a choice for us so that we can tell ourselves. “ I suppose there really was nothing that could be done” or “I was forced in to a corner, what could I have done?” Meanwhile we never learn, we never acted so we never could learn from our mistakes. As for me, I would rather go out in a pink tu-tu that I chose, then a nice shirt that was left to me because I waited too long to do laundry.  

Waiting 40 years

                I had a very interesting talk today with a man that had stopped by my work. He seemed like a nice enough person. In his forties, owned his own printing company, pleasant to talk to, and seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders. Anyways we got to talking about this and that. Mostly about business and the economy when he mentioned that recently he had a horrid stroke of luck. Without even waiting for me to ask he went in to details about how he had been single most of his life. Never really falling in love or risking to much in way of his heart. He gave no real reason. I suppose some people just never really get around to opening themselves up or meeting the right person. Anyways, he said that he never really fell in love. The way he put he waited forty years to meet a woman. I thought that sounded especially cute. He said the relationship was started well but the girl he had waited for had some demons to overcome as he put it. She was struggling with alcoholism. She had been in and out of therapy a few times with little progress. He loved her very much, but she just had to figure a way out of the situation. But just a few months ago she was drunk and drove off the road dying in a car crash. He was left alone after waiting forty years for this person. He couldn't speak high of her as well. Adding that she was the most amazing woman he had ever met, she was just haunted from her past.

              There are few people that can tell me their relationship stories and bring about sympathy from me. Perhaps I am jaded perhaps I am just numb. But I knew how he felt. I felt like I waited so long for Rose to come in to my life. Like the last 25 years were all just a prelude to being with her now. I looked at him explain to me that he had found that, held that in his arms, and had it ripped from him. I knew exactly how he felt. I had felt that way the last few weeks. But my heart could not help by feel for this poor man as he, only two days before I had kissed Rose goodbye at the airport, had lowered his Rose in to the ground. I count myself lucky after that conversation. Like I had dodged a bullet. I hope I don't ever know how he felt,. But I do think that while I am fortunate enough to be in my situation, I have the need to tell my darking Rose that I love her so much. If I was ever to loose you, my life would be shattered. Please take care of yourself for both our sakes. And no matter what haunts you from your past, lets take it on together. I love you sweet heart.  

Dear Diary

Dear diary,

Rose helps me believe I can be the man she sees in me. For this I am forever grateful.


Lee

My out look on life

          It is weird how events in your life perfectly capture your outlook. Today was a really crap day. I don't mean that as a metaphor, or to be dramatic. I mean literally today just seemed to revolve around crap. First of all I woke up to my drains not working. When you live in the house I live it, you kinda have to except that things won't work and you hope you'll get lucky when what you need at the time is working. 

         This was not the case for me today as I stumbled in to my bathroom to find that the toilet filled up with shower water and the shower filled up with what I hoped was sink water. As I was frantically running for towels buckets, plungers, roommates, or anything else to plug holes I was thinking about how this half awake morning reflects my general outlook on life. So many times I just kinda hope things go down and disappear so to speak. Like there is some imaginary hole that the bullshit in my life will sink in to.... maybe garble a little and then disappear replaced by clear refreshing water. That is how I suppose I lived my life.... breathing a sigh of relief every time I pushed a magic button to whisk away the bad only to have it deposit itself quietly beneath where I live my life. 

       Now, I think my metaphor falls through when I develop a better way to deal with all bullshit in my life... But, there is still an important lesson to be learned here. I was sitting in a bar the other day when someone told me that he once heard a quote that said “if people took all the energy they used to make everyone one around them happy and instead used it to make themselves happy, the world wouldn't be such a shit hole” I am not sure that the quote was verbatim, and I do know that he was very drunk. But as I was plunging away at my various drains thinking how much more I could fit under my house those words floated back to me.... “shit hole”. I could help but feel there is some honesty to it. Perhaps my house is clean, perhaps my life is less smelly.... but here I was all day still trying to stop the crap from overflowing in my life.

The things you miss

When someone leaves you always think about the good times.  Those moments you spend together when the world freezes and melts away leaving you and that person together in a moment of joy.  Those moments, though far and few between are what I look back on when I think of friends, family, and loved ones that have touched my life.  I like to relive those moments, when I have a free moment.  Thinking how lucky I was to be there to share that.  There is something about this time that is different.  As much as I love those moments, it isn't the good times that stick out in my mind.  It wasn't the times when we had free time or had the world melt away leaving it to just us.  It was the normal moments.  I miss the sweet things she said.  The odd jokes she told that I thought were cute.  I miss the planning; the thoughts of being able to accomplish anything.  Even the angry arguments that went late in to the night.  In reality I miss all of that much more.  And more than anything I miss being able to hold her, to comfort her when she was stressed.  Those very short, brief moments when she let her guard down long enough for me to climb inside and have a look around at the world from her point of view.  Those moments when she did, they never happen half way around the world and rarely happen half way around the room. So until that person comes back into your life you just sit and wait and relive those moments in all that free time.