I have been thinking a lot lately about how I make choices. I woke up today, rolled out of bed and ate something for breakfast, showered, put my clothes on, and as I was headed out the door I wondered how many choices I had made already in my day. This shirt over that one, this food instead of that, and coffee or tea? Seems I had hardly made any choices at all just went through my morning. However, what happens when I start working is completely different. I dwell on each choose. I could go with that, but what if that doesn't work or I don't like it or it works too well.... the concerns are endless.

It slowed me down, made me stressed, it was altogether unnerving how difficult it was to make a choice. Perhaps it was due to the fact that consequences were involved. If I were to pick the wrong breakfast, Ill live. However, if I improperly plan the next month, I may no longer have a business to make a living.

When I started thinking about goals and choices I discovered that people are largely scared to set goals and make committed choices because of the consequences that could ensue. I mean, things like breakfast we do everyday and develop a routine to minimize consequences. We know that there won't be a finger in our corn flakes and we know how the coffee down the street tastes. We start to build our lives so that we don't have surprises as a result of our choices.

When I am trying to make smart inform choices about things I have never done or known about, I feel an immense pressure not to decide anything until I have more information. I found what I really do is neglect it. Let the situation sit and then eventually I don't learn anything, nor do I make a choice. Perhaps that works when you a kid, but not too much anymore.

Strangely there was a place that a decision was never a problem. I have always picked to be with Rose. I am not sure why. Maybe because she believed in me so I have faith in myself to make it. Or maybe I just didn't know what I was getting in to. Or perhaps deep down I just knew it was right and there wasn't any fighting it if I wanted. Whatever the reason I chose to stay with Rose. I told her at one point that I was foolish enough to marry her to keep her visa. Perhaps it wasn't the smartest choice if I had stepped back in from the situation. Maybe you could argue that my feelings cloud my judgment. But I still made a choice. Pick a stand and said..... right or wrong this is what I pick, I will go down with my ship if I have to but at least I'll sail till I crash.

Maybe it is just me but it feels like people don't do that anymore. They don't stick to their word. Politics have entered our every day interactions and when question about something we had decided and told someone we would do, we find a way to turn it round. “I agreed I would do it, but never said I would do it this life time” at what point do we loose all power to except we are wrong and learn from our mistakes.

Because that is what I learned was the bottom line with my choice with Rose. I picked a side, it was with her. If she has said... “oh, I think we have different expectations of what this is” then I would have known that we weren't ready, it wasn't right, I chose wrong in the situation. But at least I would have took a stance to what I feel. We go through life waiting for the world to make a choice for us so that we can tell ourselves. “ I suppose there really was nothing that could be done” or “I was forced in to a corner, what could I have done?” Meanwhile we never learn, we never acted so we never could learn from our mistakes. As for me, I would rather go out in a pink tu-tu that I chose, then a nice shirt that was left to me because I waited too long to do laundry.