sleepy thoughts before bed

This will just have to be a quick post.  I am really tired and running on about 5 hours of sleep a night the last few nights.  I wanted write a few things here though.   First of all what a rough day it was.  I am not sure why.  I am really stressed. This whole business things is driving me up the wall.  So much responsibility and at the moment I just don't really see how it is all supposed to work itself out.  I was rather upset with it today.  Strangely when I got home I was in an awful mood.  Really mad and wanting to just break something.  Then I had a sit down and talked to Rose.  I actually got a little emotional.  I am not really sure where all this was coming from.  In my young adult years, I never cried or showed emotion.  I kinda thought of myself as a brick wall when it came to letting people in.  I am not sure if there is any relation to being with Rose.  However, I feel like that has broken down slightly.
     anyways, having talked to Rose, I then talked to my dad.  I thought I was just going to talk about the business.  but the more I talked to him the more my voice sounded strange.  Like that feeling when you are trying to say something by your throat is trying to communicate something else. It is rather strange.  But my dad was not fooled and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the business and that was fine.  And then he asked me how I felt about Rose's birthday this weekend.  For some reason I couldn't hold it any longer.  I just started... well leaking.
      I don't like crying.. Men aren't supposed to do it.  But more than that, there really just isn't a manly way to do it.  However, the moment of being a sissy did reveal something to me.  I wasn't, perhaps, as upset about the business as I was about the fact that I was missing the love of my life turn in to a woman.   I want so much to be there and support her.  To hold her, comfort her and encourage her.   It is really weird for me to feel this way about someone, since I haven't ever really cared that much about much anything.  Yet here I was.
      The thing that gets to me the most is when I stop to think about it.  I think how she is growing up and I want to be there for her in all the ways I said before.  But, that is happening every day.  Every day she is becoming a woman, and ever day I want to be there to support here and encourage her.  However, on special days like this you realize what you are missing out on.  and I just start to wonder what the hell I am doing half way around the world from some one as amazing as her.  It seems silly to me because when I put the two together..... make money or grow up with Rose.   There isn't even a shadow of a competition.  So then why I am I here? and she there? I think that is the question that has been stressing me out all weak.  Because deep down I know.... there isn't a good enough answer to keep me here.