loosing track of time

 I do wish I had more time to make this post more elegant, more poetic or contain better flow. But sadly this week has left me drained emotionally, physically, and well any other way I can be. I have been trying to sort out the property. It is hard to have your family tearing itself a part from the inside out. It is more difficult watching your other family members go through it. Chris isn't handling it too well and goes through fits of stress and frustration. I worry about him which is just more stress on my plate.

Then there is the business. There is the fact that I am not meeting deadlines. I feel like a window is constantly closing slowly and no matter how fast I run I won't catch it. Perhaps this is how all adults feel when there are bills in their lives. I really hope this is the rare time in my life when I feel this way. I couldn't not imagine having a family and going through this. Beyond a doubt the scariest thing for a person to face when they have someone relying on them. I try so hard to manage the stress on this but I can feel it creeping in to my every day life. It is a rough feeling.

Finally the third notion of stress is Rose being so far away while still remaining so close to my heart. I guess the stress mostly comes from the thought of loosing her. She means so much to me and it makes it all so difficult to sort out. If there is a threat I might loose her I just want to fight against that but at the same time I feel rather useless when I have so many other things pulling at me at the same time. It is to the point where I stress about thinking about loosing Rose to the point that I don't want to give it more power than I do and which makes me stress about not stressing about Rose... it is a vicious cycle.

But I was thinking today about what Rose said about us being the two of the same body. I am not a superstitious man, and I don't really believe in a lot of those deep connection kind of things. However, I do understand this notion of a very deep connection that I feel with Rose. There have been days that I feel like I am sad for no reason. That I am confused and stressed without knowing why. After talking to Rose she will tell me that she is feeling the same way. I wonder if there isn't some of connection there, perhaps it was always there when we were little. Perhaps those days when I felt unusually happy for no reasons were related to her in her own life.

But I can say that I focus on Rose a lot. Every day whether I talk to her or not I constantly think about her. You see, she has become sort of my mascot. I think about my life with her, I think about our future and if give me strength to get through these trialled times. I found it really hard when she left and I was still here working. However, I felt that she was still with me because I can look ahead at the goal that we have set together to make through this time. Our plans with living in a yurt, having ducks and chickens, even just going to go on dates once we are together again. All of these things are so powerful, so strong that they can carry someone through a day of shoveling dirt and stress.

Who is to say that a connection is not formed there when two people strive so hard for the same goal. When two people look so hard to their future that they don't influence the world around them. Obviously we are able to conquer space by always keeping each other in our hearts so that we always feel close. What is to say we are not able to conquer time as well through always keeping our future so close to our hearts. In this way I do believe I have a connection with Rose. That I can begin to feel for her, and tell when she is stressed, scared and confused. Maybe it is odd but I do suppose I can actually feel those things too.

It then makes sense to me why these problems of stress seem to add up so quickly. When I get so worried about loosing Rose, I don't want to think about her. When I think of her my mind goes to possibly loosing her. Instead, I want to focus on other things to keep my mind busy like the business or the property. And just like that my happy thoughts disappear and I come tumbling down.

But the reason I fall so far down is a testimony to the love and admiration that I have for rose. Few people in my life have lifted me up so high and carried me so far. It is so rare to find someone that you work so well together. She balances me in so many ways. The way I look forward to the future is the only way I get through this time of struggle and difficulties. I pray everyday for that day to come when she finally steps off that plane and I get to hold her in my arms again. This look to the future is so strongly created in my mind that it acts as a memory. Perhaps she already has stepped off that plane, perhaps we lived ever after together already. It seems like when you look so hard to the future and it becomes a memory that time fade from a relationship and that is what creates that feeling of being connected. In a way, we have lived out our lives already together because we look so strongly ahead that we will create it every moment even from halfway around the world.